The journey of a 1000 miles begins with a single step- the first step, and it is that one step that is so hard to take, and to not take back.
More than anything I want the steps I take to get me closer to a life free of so many of the things that were the normal part of my world. For the kids to have a life a bit more peaceful, a lot more secure and in doing that, I want to keep my mind where it belongs, in the future.
The angel knows what my mind has been thinking of, the sense of faux security that came with being under control, the way that tension was managed, the way the game was played and the way the life was lived, G-d help me, the other night after working until 4am and coming home to Precious in a full on meltdown and a sink full of dishes and more laundry. . .I wavered, OMG really you are totally thinking THAT?? I was not longing for that, remembering better times, I was imagining being able to anticipate things and knowing that I usually came through them ok eventually at that moment, as I tried to push myself to get Precious calmed down, get some cleaning done, and try not to just fall apart- I was thinking that in the past, I had a warning, I had an idea of when I would have to step up and get through, and with all of the bad news lately, school funding, job issues, lack of sleep and a total fear that I will never get to where I want to go. . .I panicked, and caught myself thinking about how well I used to be able to call it, down th the last detail, and could sometimes even avoid it altogether. . .not now.
Now is chaos, not in theory, but in life. I never know what I'm going to find in the mail, in my e mail, and it is wearing me down. . .and I am ashamed that in that instant, when my life was just a mess and I had been awake for 35 hours straight, and had more to do. . .I wondered if I was going to make it. Weak, pathetic and tired, and thinking how the hell am I gonna do this? Then, I just did it. . .not sure how, and the house is never clean and the laundry is always unfolded now, but it is clean. . .and I start to think that I am not cut out for this, and that I was wrong to think that I could finish this after all. I was weak.
Face it or forget it? Guess which one I chose?
Tunnel vision becomes my enemy- the complete inability at times to see beyond my present time and place to a future where this is all not so bad, or somehow will get better, and as much as I try to think positive and as much as I want desperately to try to hang on to the hope of someday, being sick showed me that those somedays are not certain, and that this place, this time, this life might be as is, for the rest of your life, and I imagine that the doom predicted when this all began was coming true, the people and their coments and the chipping away of all that I thought I had gained. . .bit by bit the things I built were crumbling under the weight of my doubt.
Was never really sure what I felt about angels, not sure I do now, yet, there is something that came to me that morning as I was dealing with Precious and just rock bottom at the end of my rope and ready to just accept the epic fail option. . .
Someone knew
Can't say how or even if he knows that he was there, but he was and it was his voice I heard telling me it was ok, that someday mattered most when you believe in it, that waiting in someday was a lot more than what was here and now, and that someday would happen, if I didn't lose hope. Hope is the key, you have to have it. . .and I can't say I do have it in the same measure as many. . .however I understand the point.
Ending with-
Your Angel Knows
You live a life as best you can, and alone is never best
If you stray from a life well lived, you must complete the quest
To your place in the sun
Your angel will know, sense your struggle and offer you a way
A guiding light, follow the ray
To the help offered
The road will be long and you will want to turn back to the darkness that was your life
Fight that urge with your angel's help, love and care, use them as a knife
To cut through darkness and doubt
Someday is there, but the road is long, these things are always true
The journey will go faster and smooth, and the road will seem a brighter hue
If you look for your angel, standing right next to you
Heart in hand extended
5 comments:
I think this is one of the most amazing posts I have ever read anywhere and love the fact you are finding your HOPE. SO Honored to be a part of your life MY ANGEL.
Your Gentle Man
You were a better mother at 12 than mom ever was, I know she was sick but you could have not cared, you were a kid yourself and no matter what you were always there to make sure we were fed, even when you went without, I remember when we couldn't all have enough to eat, and you would always say your stomach hurt and that you were not hungry- I am just now understanding all that you did at 12 years old that im trying to do at 28, and I am so sorry that I never told you every day thank you for all that you did. You protected us, fed us, took care of us, mom too, when we were sick and I never knew how hard it was until I had to do it. Sorry it is late, but happy mothers day to the best mother/sister a girl could have, I do not know where I would be if I had not had you as a sister, who was also like a mom, would not be thinking of college would not be a lot of things, most of all, I woul dnot feel as loved and as specail as I do, if I had not had you. Thank you big sister, I love you, sorry it took me so long to say it proper.
Gentle Man, welcome to the crazy town place that is my life:)
Now to be fair, she was sick, you know that. . .and I was not always happy about all that had to be done, I was no saint in that I felt bad about the things I couldn't do after school and having to quit things to be home. I just did what had to be done and could not let you guys feel bad, ok? I would not change a thing about the choices I made when it came to you all. . .don't feel bad about making sure you grew up well, so you shouldn't:) Just do the best you can, it will be amazing, I promise, and that baby will know the love you have:)
I like the idea of a guiding force or spirit being there with you...yes, about the getting sick or other crazy, unexpected things happening in life: once something (or a series of things) like that happens, it is sooooo hard to break out of that survival mode, that cycle where you feel you are just bracing yourself for the next tsunami or lightning bolt to hit, time and place unknown...it's something I too have been working on, but the power of fear or nervousness can be so overwhelming...and others think you're brave, but really you're *just* brave enough to keep going, and you don't feel very brave about meeting the next thing because "what if?!" I know it...everyone lives with some degree of uncertainty in their lives, but some of us more than others. Will that cycle of fear/"what if" nagging in the back of the mind ever be broken? Let's work on it...!
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