Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Goodness, the Internet really is forever. . .

So much has changed and so much has stayed the same- darn face.book and its easy peasy lemon squeezy method of virtual interaction!

Kids are all fine- I am holding steady, and the world continues to astound, amaze and horrify me. . .so yeah, there is that. . .

Astound- The fact that so many states are getting with the program and making it possible for marriage between two loving adults legal, hell yes!

Amaze- I now have a high school junior, a freshman and a 7th grader! Just wow, how the heck can that be possible? In addition I now have a son, KIA, in Grad School!!! Huzzah and my sympathies :)

Horrified- the elections in my beloved state- Oy Gevalt, where to start? Just sick at the erosion of the proud traditions of Wisconsin, loud and proud some of the newly elected are on record as being pretty much anti EVERYTHING that matters to me. . .just bloody hell. . .

Time for random pictures!!

 RIP Satan the cat

 KIA graduates!

Full Moon at the Lake

Soul Man. . .and a LOT of laundry

I'd love to say I plan on blogging more often, but best laid plans and all. . .we are still under the umbrella and making our way through:)

Friday, July 6, 2012

Blue Collar Doctoral Canidate

Funny how time away from the place that lends strength to your master status can erode certain things. . .
Fiscally speaking, getting to campus has been impossible. I am living a weird kind of life right now- on the one hand, I have all the trappings of my goal around me- notes, VERY IMPORTANT WORKS, interview transcripts, and a draft in progress. They are all nestled in a life that recalls my childhood- which bills get paid this month, which can slide. . .electric? Yes, because they can (and will) cut off service for non payment. Mortgage? Yes, have to, but OMG how will I pay for my insurance? Car or health? Despite being on the state program, I was hit with a $144 per week payment(they give it to you in weeks, you know, so you can see it is not so bad), food? Where can I get that? Sheesh. . .
I know it is a rite of passage to be a poor grad student. . .but dammit, I am not in this alone. And with all the gloom and doom in the job market, well, I am at a loss. It is not writer's block- I am writing just fine, it is a soul block- like I have poured all of this time and effort into something that may not even mean much more than a decoration for my frig. . .
I just have to believe that I have come this far, and that maybe, just maybe things will work out for the best. . .for the kids- I carry on. . . like the water I love so much, just go with it. . .

Friday, April 27, 2012


Hanging on for dear life. . .in a good way. . .

Seemed a perfect time for random thoughts-

I am not liking the weather lately- wish spring would really arrive

My dogs are so different, between the 2 of them I have 1 complete dog. Casey is smart but acts more like a cat- aloof and never one to snuggle

Twitch. . .a big dofus but so darn lovey dovey- he is huge and yet loves to flop on anyone's lap. Gives big slobbery kisses and is actually more dog. . .

I have a lot of work to do, but I am distracted

I am officially "overqualified" for 3 of the jobs I applied for. . .

Back to work:)

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

L'Chaim (to lives, not life, plural)

Fall to pieces, put them back together

Funny how a sudden shock can really make your worldview change. A classmate of mine died Sunday. Not sure how, does it matter? No, not really, but what hit me the hardest is that for the past few weeks I have been struggling with something I have never EVER struggled with before. . .

I wanted to give up.

Yes, you read that right, I wanted to give up and just let things go- no more fighting anything anymore, just surrender. Convinced myself that it was just too hard to keep fighting when drama and stressors were all piling on me and everywhere I looked someone had their hand out and needed me to fix something. The more I fixed things, the more broken I felt, I just could never ever find a place where I could just relax for a bit. I was/am the rock, and I could feel myself crumbling. So many things at once- stress over work, everyday issues that just come up, the clutch on my car going out, oh and the outliers, both mine and my partner. The "relationship" between the ex and myself continues to be a major source of strain on me, especially on the issue of child support and the actual cost of having children, oh and the visitation schedule has become a guessing game. The partner's ex lying about living arrangements and personal issues. . . Yet, these reasons for that hopeless and lost mindset that I had seem so unimportant now, pointless. I almost let go, and actually thought I was being noble. I had gotten used to my kids asking why I always looked sad, and I had the pat answer down "I'm not sad, I'm tired." They knew I was sad, they just never knew why. . .for that I am grateful.

Then I heard about Sue yesterday.

Now I did not know Sue that well after school, I left school junior year- but, we worked together for a time when I was still a nurse, a lifetime ago. She was blunt, and funny, and well, I like that in a person. She was an amazing caretaker for the residents and was an ally and a friend to those in her care. I do not know the details of her death, really not my business, nor is the loss for me anywhere close to what her family and close friends are feeling right now. What hits me the most is that she was larger than life in school- a total icon for the unconventional girl of the 1980s. No flirting with fashions like the Boy Toy crap, nor was she totally preppy in her dress- her look was about her as a person, not as a statement of any kind. It is funny how that image of her is what fuels the feeling of loss I have now. Not in the painful and intense way that I know those who were close to her are struggling with now- nothing like that, but yet, it is the loss of this iconic person from my past that snapped me out of whatever the hell was draining my fight right out of me. Finances are always going to be a struggle, not just for me, for a lot of people. How self centered I was just 24 hours ago. . .thinking that it was better to just let go and hope that life would get better if I gave up. Feeling guilty about the way I thought is fleeting. I have wasted too much time in self pity, and the time for that is never. Despite a lot of victories, I confess to horrific tunnel vision. . .and it almost cost me everything.
Sue, the worst part of all of this is that I never had a chance to tell you how much I admired you in school and at work. I look to the people who are helping Precious through his life, and they all share your qualities- you understood that it was more important to help people define themselves with what they could do, not by their limitations. There is nothing I can do now to let you know that, but I can promise you that I will not let another minute go by that I don't live life, and I will get busy living, and forget about getting busy dying. I now have another debt to you that I cannot repay to you personally, and I am so sorry that you are gone so soon, too soon. I pray your family finds comfort somehow
Sue, I hope you have found peace, and I think of your family at this time. I am ashamed that it took your loss to realize how close I was to losing. I will not get that close again, I promise you and my kids.

Game on. . .let's do this. . .Time to Mom up as only a November woman can. . .

Monday, March 19, 2012


Something interesting about physical training for an event, it makes you start to evaluate other things in your life and makes things organized. I highly recommend it!