If Mama PhD had asked

It happened again- with the same results. For all of the education and all of the time spent trying to learn, the most basic of details can and does reveal all-



"I don't know how to pronounce that"



Yes, that's right, I have advanced degrees, and guess what- I have never HEARD that word spoken before!

Can I define it- yes! I can tell you EXACTLY what that word means. . .but I can't tell you what it sounds like! Can I use it properly in a sentence-yep, but I can't say it. . .



I am a product of my low class, no nonsense working class family, and they never EVER said that word!
Growing up in a home where women were destined to be mothers, advanced education was not part of the equation. . .I am a product of that place, of that time, and it seems that just when I think that I can be one of them. . .the educated. . .I look like SOUND like a complete idiot!
I am a teen mom grown up- heard the all the predictions- I would never be much, be on welfare (as we knew it) and would have a passel of kids. . .curlers if my hair was not so out of control curly. . .you get the point. . .yes that's right a TEEN mom. . .16 to be exact.
My path to being a doctoral student, now dissertator, has been most uncommon, and to try to pretend that I am one of you all is futile, and thanks to Star Trek, I can actually pronounce THAT word. . .among others. . . but does it matter?
I hope to get my degree, to be the end all be all of academic excellence, and to establish my place, but if I can't pronounce the words of my cohort, will I be one of you?
Sigh, I feel real, I feel like I belong, I have done all that I can to establish myself as someone who can and does understand the ACT words of my field- agency, and interaction, the inner workings of the Elizabethan Poor Laws that provide the foundation for the struggles of people like me into the 21rst century. . .but do I belong? I hope so, I guess it remains to be seen. . .and I hope that with more interaction and more time, I can rattle off the words that plague my very life, those words of the privileged homes, of the kind that children, sons and daughters, are privy to from birth. . .I hope. . .
If I do not make it, there is hope, my 8 year old daughter told me today, "Mom I mean that literally, not just figuratively. . .it is real."
Yes, Cocoa, it is real, it is real to YOU and I am proud of you, you will be ready and you WILL belong in that world, even if I do not. . . .

600- the one that belongs to Lennox

On the day you would have been born I remembered you

Fresh hell indeed

This week made the one I had last week seem tame- How to put it all together?

Monday- Emergency Room for me- all the bells and whistles
Wed- More confirmation that I will not be adjuncting because I will not do it for free
Thursday- Back to the doctor for more fun
Today- worn out, feeling sick but now I have a handle on PA work and feel so much better!

Kids are amazing, and I am going to spend time with them now in the moment-

Shabbat SHALOM!