Blue Collar Doctoral Canidate

Funny how time away from the place that lends strength to your master status can erode certain things. . .
Fiscally speaking, getting to campus has been impossible. I am living a weird kind of life right now- on the one hand, I have all the trappings of my goal around me- notes, VERY IMPORTANT WORKS, interview transcripts, and a draft in progress. They are all nestled in a life that recalls my childhood- which bills get paid this month, which can slide. . .electric? Yes, because they can (and will) cut off service for non payment. Mortgage? Yes, have to, but OMG how will I pay for my insurance? Car or health? Despite being on the state program, I was hit with a $144 per week payment(they give it to you in weeks, you know, so you can see it is not so bad), food? Where can I get that? Sheesh. . .
I know it is a rite of passage to be a poor grad student. . .but dammit, I am not in this alone. And with all the gloom and doom in the job market, well, I am at a loss. It is not writer's block- I am writing just fine, it is a soul block- like I have poured all of this time and effort into something that may not even mean much more than a decoration for my frig. . .

I just have to believe that I have come this far, and that maybe, just maybe things will work out for the best. . .for the kids- I carry on. . . like the water I love so much, just go with it. . .

Today

Hanging on for dear life. . .in a good way. . .

Seemed a perfect time for random thoughts-

I am not liking the weather lately- wish spring would really arrive

My dogs are so different, between the 2 of them I have 1 complete dog. Casey is smart but acts more like a cat- aloof and never one to snuggle

Twitch. . .a big dofus but so darn lovey dovey- he is huge and yet loves to flop on anyone's lap. Gives big slobbery kisses and is actually more dog. . .

I have a lot of work to do, but I am distracted

I am officially "overqualified" for 3 of the jobs I applied for. . .

Back to work:)

Sweet Life

L'Chaim (to lives, not life, plural)

Fall to pieces, put them back together

Funny how a sudden shock can really make your worldview change. A classmate of mine died Sunday. Not sure how, does it matter? No, not really, but what hit me the hardest is that for the past few weeks I have been struggling with something I have never EVER struggled with before. . .

I wanted to give up.

Yes, you read that right, I wanted to give up and just let things go- no more fighting anything anymore, just surrender. Convinced myself that it was just too hard to keep fighting when drama and stressors were all piling on me and everywhere I looked someone had their hand out and needed me to fix something. The more I fixed things, the more broken I felt, I just could never ever find a place where I could just relax for a bit. I was/am the rock, and I could feel myself crumbling. So many things at once- stress over work, everyday issues that just come up, the clutch on my car going out, oh and the outliers, both mine and my partner. The "relationship" between the ex and myself continues to be a major source of strain on me, especially on the issue of child support and the actual cost of having children, oh and the visitation schedule has become a guessing game. The partner's ex lying about living arrangements and personal issues. . . Yet, these reasons for that hopeless and lost mindset that I had seem so unimportant now, pointless. I almost let go, and actually thought I was being noble. I had gotten used to my kids asking why I always looked sad, and I had the pat answer down "I'm not sad, I'm tired." They knew I was sad, they just never knew why. . .for that I am grateful.

Then I heard about Sue yesterday.

Now I did not know Sue that well after school, I left school junior year- but, we worked together for a time when I was still a nurse, a lifetime ago. She was blunt, and funny, and well, I like that in a person. She was an amazing caretaker for the residents and was an ally and a friend to those in her care. I do not know the details of her death, really not my business, nor is the loss for me anywhere close to what her family and close friends are feeling right now. What hits me the most is that she was larger than life in school- a total icon for the unconventional girl of the 1980s. No flirting with fashions like the Boy Toy crap, nor was she totally preppy in her dress- her look was about her as a person, not as a statement of any kind. It is funny how that image of her is what fuels the feeling of loss I have now. Not in the painful and intense way that I know those who were close to her are struggling with now- nothing like that, but yet, it is the loss of this iconic person from my past that snapped me out of whatever the hell was draining my fight right out of me. Finances are always going to be a struggle, not just for me, for a lot of people. How self centered I was just 24 hours ago. . .thinking that it was better to just let go and hope that life would get better if I gave up. Feeling guilty about the way I thought is fleeting. I have wasted too much time in self pity, and the time for that is never. Despite a lot of victories, I confess to horrific tunnel vision. . .and it almost cost me everything.
Sue, the worst part of all of this is that I never had a chance to tell you how much I admired you in school and at work. I look to the people who are helping Precious through his life, and they all share your qualities- you understood that it was more important to help people define themselves with what they could do, not by their limitations. There is nothing I can do now to let you know that, but I can promise you that I will not let another minute go by that I don't live life, and I will get busy living, and forget about getting busy dying. I now have another debt to you that I cannot repay to you personally, and I am so sorry that you are gone so soon, too soon. I pray your family finds comfort somehow
Sue, I hope you have found peace, and I think of your family at this time. I am ashamed that it took your loss to realize how close I was to losing. I will not get that close again, I promise you and my kids.

Game on. . .let's do this. . .Time to Mom up as only a November woman can. . .

Training

Something interesting about physical training for an event, it makes you start to evaluate other things in your life and makes things organized. I highly recommend it!

Letting go

Funny how things work out- seems so trite, but at the same time, it really is odd to examine life and realize that many of the life lessons you were SUPPOSED to learn, do actually matter, and do actually have to be faced.

In a million years, I never thought that I would be in this place at this time, but I am very thankful that I have survived it, and now, since I know I am OK, I can share what has been damn near killing me for months. . .ready? It's a jaw dropper. . .

At this point in my life, where so MUCH is AMAZING, where all the things that I knew were eventually going to happen, a new life, a FREAKING FELLOWSHIP, progress in my writing, and even a much more relaxed household, I was suddenly gripped with something very VERY odd, and to be brutally honest, puzzling. . .out of nowhere, I had to face the feelings that I had been ignoring so long- the ones attached to the implosion of my first marriage.

I know, right? It has literally been years- and I really never did "go over it" in my "soul" and "put things into perspective. . .until the last health crisis hit over the end of summer into fall. . .then it hit. Like a ton of bricks. . .and I realized I had to make some sort of sense of it all, and it had to be fair, and it had to be honest. . .but it also had to be the LAST FREAKING TIME I WASTED TIME ON IT. With ground rules set, I was ready to go.

So, I think the start of this came when I had to face death- you only get so many get out of death free(ha!) cards in dealing with health, so when this last one hit, I had to face the fact that it could be the time I had to decide if I wanted to fight the good fight, or use the time I had left to make good memories, polish off the Bucket list and go from there. That was the easy part- the hard part was imagining my kids being raised by their father. And so it began, in order to find peace, I had to really go back and sort through the mess that was that break up, in order to determine if I really felt they would be in good hands if I was not around.

Whew- that sucked. . .BIG TIME. . .

My children are are so precious to me, I have tried so hard to be a mom, strong, fearless, and to lead by example. . .what kind of example would their dad be? Which is why I had to force myself to be fair, but honest.

When all of this began, the kids were so young, I was still fat and healthy, and well, to be honest, the fact that he was cheating on me was heartbreaking. I mean REALLY??? Give me an existential BREAK! I resolved NOT to trash talk him. . .to the kids. . .and once things were over, I did not wonder about his life beyond my children's well being. Who he dated, what he did with his life was and still is not my concern. I admit that I am grateful to Karma in that his life is not working out the way I think he thought it would, because I am human, and what he did to me and our family was inhumane, but I digress. I know there was enough drama to last a lifetime, but I also seriously thought that if I just ignored it, it would not affect me. . .

Epic Fail on my part

Because it DID affect me, and by pretending it did not, I was wasting a ton of energy in not dealing with it, and when I started losing energy, the effort became too much, and out it came, the anger, the hurt, the hate, the fear, the loathing for him and myself, at the mess, at the charade that I let myself live, that I was seriously stupid for staying as long as I did, and scared of losing everything because I did not stay for the money (hey I said honest) Child support is kind of a misleading term. What I am getting now is "child can live in their home for another month" because despite his income, he pays only that amount. Period. End of discussion. Let's just say that kids cost a lot more than he knows, and he makes a LOT more than I do. . .percentage wise he pays 17% of his income to support the kids- I contribute 100% of my income and have full custody. . .I'm not super good at math, but hey, there it is.

I also know this about their dad- he is SUPER concerned with appearances and status. So, if nothing else, he will not want to suck at parenting if I die, he will do it up well, or die trying, so on that issue I was reassured. In addition, I have 3 adult sons now- and I know they will step up and be there for their siblings and each other if the battle goes ill. . .so that was semi resolved.

The money thing is a huge stress-Financial ruin is a powerful tool for motivation to graduate, to get out quick and "get a real job" but in the middle of this stupid process I made one of the best decisions ever- with a lot of help from certain people in my life (yes YOU Yoda) I decided to concentrate on producing a great dissertation, not a fast graduation date. And that, to paraphrase Frost, has made all of the difference.

So, kids are going to be ok, I have made the decision to write great words, all done right?

Nope. . .there was one more thing,

ummmm how to be in a good marriage

I had never been in one, and one would think that finally being in one would be the best on the job training. . .

Nope- not at all

So, while I knew, deep down, that I was not to blame for the way I was treated (no really I knew it on some abstract level) at the same time, I did not know how to handle being CARED FOR. . .

Seriously I had no clue

Someone who made coffee for me in the morning

Remembered I hate cut flowers because I don't want them to die on my account

who loves metal concerts as much as I do

who has never laid a hand on me except to hug me or help me in and out of the car (!!!!)

who loves to hold hands

who tells me every day he is lucky to have me

Who sends random texts about missing me but never calls me at work unless it is an emergency

I could go on, but you get the point.

Because of who he is, and who I am, it was clear I had to get over something. . .I had to stop seeing his efforts as a sign of my weakness

Whaaa?

Yep, you read that right- weakness! From the get go, I was raised to believe in being strong, never depending on anyone, even (maybe especially?) family, because in the end, you only had yourself to count on. . .or blame.

Then this relationship happened. And it was time to get things squared away. After a lot of patience and honesty, I am finally able to say- I can count on someone other than myself- and I am trying hard to be more forthcoming when I need help instead of waiting until I am half dead to ask for a bit of help. For a while, such action was an odd test of strength for me- no matter what, I was making to work. . .but after all this I want more, I want to make it rock star awesome- and this was a good start.

Because now I know- it was never about me being worthless- it was about me not seeing the things I did do well as valuable. The comments from teachers about how wonderful my kids were in school was part of who I am, the endless IEPs and planning for summer sessions for all the kids, the trips to the museum, the walks the beach, these were not just things I did for the kids, they defined the kind of person I am to them- I have made memories and provided a foundation for them to grow on, and while I plan on rocking out at my grandchildren's weddings, I feel a bit more a peace about things.

While the work on my nonassertiveness training continues, it is much better, and well, all I can say now is. . .let's DO THIS!!!!!!!