I'd Like to Thank. . .

In sitting down to write this post- I realize how hard it is to remember who to thanks and how a few minutes just cannot do the journey justice. . .But I will try. . .

"In this journey toward successful defense of an oral examiniation, there have been many people that have contributed to my efforts; I could not have done it without the following people;

To my kids, of course- your sweet and wonderful comments and considerations and the way you tried so hard to "fight quietly" and to "make sure mom doesn't see THAT" when you thought I was too busy working . . .and for all the pasta meals you made so much fun.

To my advisors; Amanda for getting me through this, Michael and Kristen for sticking with me into summer, and thanks to Laura, for making it fun enough the first time around to try again. . .

To Carrie, who got me to get my forms in, and was a great support for all things procedural. . .

To the Facebook FIENDS- not friends:) who made me laugh and who inspired me to keep trying when I wanted to give up. . .

The ILLAD staff, and the electronic delivery of articles. . .the patient Golde Meir staff and patrons- the kind young man who always seemed to have to look for the book that was still setting off the alarm. . .to the carts that got sick of shlepping my books all over the place, and to the kind people working the desks @ the Madison and GB, nad US libraries. . .many thanks

To all the people I forgot, to all the people I have yet to meet on this path. . .Thanks!

Success!!!!!!!

Passed my defense this afternoon. . .we are ROCKING under the umbrella!!!!!!!!!!!! Details to follow. . .whaaaaaawhooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Looking for the eye of the brainstorm. . .

I cannot stay focused on anything- I am just all over the place waiting to defend my prelim exam- I am back and forth- oh, I should have handed in draft number 2, 4, 7 of question 2. . .I should have just gone for the question 1 compare and contrast and been done with it. . .but nooooo, I had to try to form something out of a well of knowledge I dug, well, filled, with reading lists and lots of hours. . .

As I look back on all of this, I realize how many things did go right, and how many went wrong. . .but even some of the icky things were a blessing-

The long cold winter and icky ICKY spring meant I was not at all tempted to slack off- the weather was perfect for keeping me focused and put me in a curl up and read mode- awesome!

Jaw/mouth/health issues- well, this one still continues to be quite a pain, literally. I have had to go back in twice, and my jaw pain has only slightly gone away, I still talk funny, but it is not as painful, AND I am now quite "worked up" to know that I am in pretty good health. . .just in pain, which may sound sucky, but it really isn't.

Through it all, my kids have been there with me every step of the way, and have inspired me to keep up the pace, slow down when needed, and remind me every day why all of this matters- because I am teaching them things that can best be taught by experience, which is why we WILL have that vacay, because they EARNED it, and it is my duty and obligation to honor my word. . .and I will, oh yes, I will. . .

Two more days. . .

Remind me to tell you the story of the apple blossoms some time. . .:)

So, trying to ignore the anxiety about the defense. . .

And had to write about my most recent conversation with Cocoa- I am just in awe of my daughter, and when we have these conversations, I am always amazed by her sweetness and her effortless concern about others. . .

We have a last minute French exchange student living with us, he got here last week. When I told Cocoa about the arrival the following conversation occurred;

Me- Well, our guest will be here tomorrow

Cocoa- You mean &%$? (privacy issue)

Me- Yes, he is coming here because he has no other place to go to.

Cocoa- We will take good care of him until he can find a good home, right?

Me- He has a good home in France, but no home here.

Cocoa- Are we going to help his mommy and daddy too? They need a place to live and food too in AMERICA! (her very annoyed voice here)

Me- Cocoa, they are fine, they just need us to take care of him for awhile.

Cocoa- He will be ANOTHER brother. . .but I like that.

350 and counting the hours. . .

Until I can go to bed! We had a round of storms last night, and Precious was up for the duration and then some. . .about 3am he finally just passed out, only to be up by 6am. . ."no rain, no thunder" and well, it is a great and a not so great thing. . .


Great in that he was up, and counting on me for comfort, and really really understanding that I was there to keep him company and safe. . .'Mommy's got you, Precious, Mommy's got you' and he was comforted by that . . .

Bad in that. . .well, he cannot understand that it is just noise. . .and has to be comforted over and over and over again. . .and well, he gets so frustrated and sad, and it just breaks the heart. . .

But for now, it is enough to be there for him, and to remind him over and over 'Mommy's here, Mommy's got you, Mommy will keep you safe'

Love you Precious. . .

The deep breath before the plunge

We are in a holding pattern until next week, when everything drops into place for the summer happiness. . .the summer schedule begins next week Monday. . .breathe in, breathe out. . .

Summer Goals list for under the umbrella

So, here we are, last day of school for the kids- and summer about to begin. . .so many awesome things planned for us, and very few of them have to do with work, per se. . .

Reading program at the library, time at the beach, swimming lessons. . .playground groups and camps. . .with plenty of days to relax and even travel. I am very very VERY excited about our Michigan vacay. . .super good times to be had for sure. . .

Just waiting for my babies to get home. . .

NOW, I get it!

I have paused to wonder at times why I have both Facebook and a blog, and today, I realized why it is that I maintain them both. . .it is because of the night and day differences between my perceptions of those "worlds".



Here I am venting, explaining, pondering, questioning and not really expecting people to reply. . .like it when they do, but overall, I am hashing things out, having these discussions with myself that I used to have in classes, and that I would have with others if I had more of a life.



Facebook is like junk food for me, junk food interactions. . .not meant to really be about debate and heavens no not discussions. . .and also there is the incognito quality to this blog that makes me open up a bit more here than on Facebook. I love going there to catch up on things, and read the quiz results and see what people are doing through out their days. . .sociology os so much a part of my motivation, plus, I like them all. . .and feel like I am sneaking chocolate when I log on and catch up. . .

Today, I probably got as close as I will ever get to unfriend someone, and I guess she may unfriend me, but I realized that the facebook page I have is not really meant to be a real look at who I am and what I believe, this blog is. . .and I really could not care less if she does unfriend me, here's why;

A "friend" wrote an update about people she lost who had been victims of gun violence, someone else wrote about feeling afraid and not supporting gun laws, and then the "discussion" got ugly. . .the "friend" who wrote the original post stated that maybe if this women "had a friend shot in the head" she would think differently. . .the classic "my pain is worse than yours I win" position, I am quite familiar with it. I wrote about my brother and how we worry about him every time he goes to work, and how the current gun laws and any others they may write will not matter to someone who is willing to kill someone. . . My point was and will always be that the problem stems from cultural understandings and meanings about violence and guns, and that so long as we live in a Go ahead, Make my day kind of society, guns will continue to be methods of choice for those so inclined to end their beefs with people permanently. . .

So- the original poster removes the posts, and then posts on my wall that she would appreciate it if I did not "belittle" her on her own page, and by belittle her, she means disagree I guess. . .I sent her a private message explaining that disagreeing should not be construed as belittling and that before she posts smack on my wall, she should, at the very least have her facts straight. Had I been guilty of such a thing, fine, but I was not. . .and I wonder if she also has the same perception of Facebook that I have of this blog- was not expecting anyone to discuss things she posted, and was surprised and caught off guard when I did. Well, I will not be replying to her posts other than her cutie ones. . .maybe that is her Facebook worldview.

The thing that makes me laugh most ironically about this situation is the horrible fracturing of the meaning of the word "respect"- in her reply on my wall, she stated that she respected my opinion. . .but I guess not me as a person, since my opinions were deleted and I was attacked on my wall. . .so her attempt to"respect" me in this case is to libel me. . .sheesh

Time to go take a meaningless quiz and catch up on some of my friends lives, but not discuss a damn thing!

It is done. . .

The sun sets. . .on my preliminary examination, which I handed in this morning, what an odd odd feeling.


So many emotions and feelings about this event, but mostly happy and nervous, I really believe that I handed in a piece of my soul, if a soul is that which makes you who you are, then my education is a part of that, it feels so scary.

Back before I saw the light in an amazing class- I was quite content to emote and "feel" the literature, today represents an attempt to do something beyond that- and to answer questions about what is written, not about how I feel about it. . .which when you get right down to it, is only fair.

Think about it- if I "feel" something and someone else "feels" differently, where does the discussion come from? Does it start with "I don't care about YOUR feelings. . ." which seems like a limited and unproductive situation.

If I feel and you feel different, what do we discuss? Why we are wrong?

Defense next- 2 weeks of "I wonder what they think of it. . .am I gonna get an e mail telling me it is is not defensible. . .eeeek!!"

Yep that covers it:)


But. . .things just got a bit more relaxed under the umbrella!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BUTTER!!!!!!!!

Sparky! Wow 11 years old. . .my BABY! :)

You are probably the only one of my kids who has equal parts of both parents. . .the good and the bad. . .and you are chocolate and peanut butter. . .2 great things mixed together.

From your father, you have the gift of logic and of cool calm and collected. Your analytical mind and very ver very VERY dry sense of humor is enhanced by those traits.

You also have my extreme emotionalism and passion for getting things done and doing them right, something I wish your other siblings shared! You want things done yesterday, and you want them done right, yet where I expect, nay DEMAND, perfection from myself, you are able to give yourself a break when you try your best and still fall a bit short of your goal, hang on to that Sweetheart, please!

You are the only one of my kids who got his daddy's eyes, you are the only one who laughs at all of my Star Wars voices, and you are STILL the best one for making me laugh at the weirdest times. . .waiting in line at the store, in the car, just silly every day kinds of things. . .

Butter, you are a sweet smart, WONDERFUL kid with so much talent and potential. . .and you know what? You WILL do what you set your mind too. . .because you will want it badly enough to work for it, and baby, that is half the battle!

Happy birthday, my sweet baby boy!

Ema

One more day. . .

Finding my happy place right about now. . .

Whoa. . .

Yowch!

Life after Prelims. . .

I am trying in initiate plans P and F. . .pass and fail. . .and try to internalize any disappointment. . .my babies have taken every STEP of this journey with me, every bump, every curve. . .and we ARE going to Michigan. . .I will sell, beg borrow and work to get make this vacay a reality, my kids have earned it. . .Fie Gas Prices. . .my babies and I will be taking the Umbrella to Michigan!!!!!!!

"I'll still love you Mommy. . .even if you fail your test"

Conversation tonight;

Cocoa- "Why are we having spaghetti AGAIN??

Ema- Because I have a TON of sauce made and pasta takes 10 minutes to make. . .with breadsticks it is a meal.

Cocoa- When are you gonna make a REAL supper?

Ema- What is a "real" supper?

Cocoa- One you have to cook. . .for a looong time.

Ema- You know Ema is trying to pass her exam.

Cocoa- Are you scared?

Ema- Totally

Cocoa- Don't be scared Ema, I"ll STILL love you. . .even if you fail.

Thanks Cocoa. . .but will I love myself. . .

Taking it down a thousand. . .

I think I have just completed the last versions of each of my questions. After 7 attempts at each- I think I may have finally gotten where I need to be. . .and all that will be left is to proofread for content and formatting- this whole process had me thinking I was in Airplane;

"Looks like I picked the wrong week to learn a new citation format" (ASA to Chicago)

"Looks like I picked the wrong week to read the fine print." (End notes became footnotes; Painstaking choices of references)

"Looks like I picked the wrong week to have emergency mouth surgery and get braced" (self explanatory. . .right:)

So we will see, I think that anytime you are stressing after 12 hours in front of a computer. . .everything looks bleak!

We cannot get out. . .

They have taken the bridge and the second hall, we have barred the gates. . .drums, drums in the deep, we cannot get out. . .they are coming


Sigh. . .doubts and fear and inadequacies are soooooo lame. . .I did not realize how much I wanted to be a Doctor until I was convinced my prelim answers would keep me from moving on to dissertation. . .

One week left. . .

Tick Tock Tick Tock. . .

For those of you keeping score

Scary doubt monsters- 1

Self Confident doctoral student- 0

But still some time left on the clock. . .:)

A picture for a rainy day under the umbrella

Yes, that is my dog, with Hello Kitty ear muffs on. . .yes, she looks pissed, but no harm done, and plus she started it by getting into the laundry and getting her head stuck in my sweatshirt sleeve. . .

So, as I struggle with EXTREME self doubt and depression. . .I look at this and laugh. . .:)