Monday, November 30, 2009

What it all comes down to. . .

Full moon over my house 2009



no matter what, it is always going to be about how much you can take in life- and how much you are willing to put up with, and in the end if the trade off is worth it, good for you!


What it took me forever to learn is that in the whole scheme of things, it was and is totally appropriate to consider so many things, not the least of which- my own feelings, and wants and needs and goals and good traits and shortcomings. . .weird to learn this lesson now, after a lifetime of not knowing.


Too many things to go into now- know that things are feeling. . .odd right now, in the words of Gandalf- the deep breath before the plunge is under the umbrella. Not sure why I have this feeling that something is about to break, or go wrong or bottom out or implode- have felt this way before, and know better than to ignore it. All other times of this creeping dread have resulted in well, it has always been, in hindsight, very appropriate to feel this way after all was said and done. . .Gottenyu!!!! So tired right now- hope it doesn't suck too badly. . .


Best for all concerned to batten down the hatches and wait for it to pass. . .

Sunday, November 29, 2009

HAPPY BIRTHDAY COCOA!!!!

Wow! My baby is 8??????? NO WAY!

She had a HUGE day. . .breakfast out with her oldest brother Gambit, down to the best.place.ever. and deliciousness all around!

Baby girl- 8 years ago today my heart's wish for a precious daughter came true. As amazing as as wonderful as I knew it would be to have a baby girl, YOU, precious Cocoa, have shown me just how unprepared I was for the magic, beauty and awesome love I have with you. Your brothers are amazing in their own way, and there is a relationship I have with them that is theirs alone, just as I have with you.

We had the most amazing silly weird, cool and special time ever, and it was just us together, no plans no real ideas, just us, in the car and away we went. . .

You make my life so special and I love you!




Rocking out at American Girl

The Princess and her faithful mom
Ready for her dream doll!


Loves the escalators!




At breakfast this morning bright and early!



Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Broken ties over time. . .KARMA ALERT


Ever have one of those situations where someone has really screwed you over and has leveled you, at your core with all the ammo you gave them to use? Hey really. . .? Me too! :)


Well, maybe you are a much better person than I am- but in the aftermath of the marriage implosion. . .I admit I was wondering, dare I say hoping, that he would some day come to regret what he gave up. . .and that well, ok that it would at the very least sting. . .nothing bad, just feel regret. He did a lot of damage to my kids and to me, and wanted regret at least if not out and out remorse.


By promising to keep the kids out of it, NO bad mouthing, NO sniping, NO WAY WILL I TRASH THE MAN, I realized that it would be, well, some closure I guess, to realize that it really was his fault that we ended, and that, well, I dared to hope that by the time he did realize this, I would maybe have healed enough to maybe let someone in, and that when things did become clear to him, well, I would be feel sorry for him. . .maybe, but totally not be in any mind to entertain going back to that mess.


OMG- we can just say that Karma really IS watching what we do. . .and she really DOESN'T LIKE some actions a WHOLE LOT.


The OMG I HAVE TO HAVE HER feeling he had for one of the women he was with faded, one of the others went COMPLETELY MENTAL on him, and the OMG SHES THE ONE THAT I WISH I HAD MARRIED INSTEAD OF YOU left him high and dry and he found out that I was. . .well. . .blush blush fluttering eye lashes. . .you know.


Because of the insanity, I have had to add edits to make sure the reader can interpret his bullshit dialect- it is a vintage brand-


UMMMMMM he went completely nuts. I mean really.nucking futs. . .seriously and well, he seems a bit better but yeah, as in if you don't get the hell out of here I am calling the police kind of thing.


CWOAE*-SEE MY UNDYING LOVE (now that my Internet people are all crazy) for YOU. . . declarations of that sort are rare for me (to make with a straight face). . .don't throw away (??????????? WTF????) our marriage (ummmm it is already over. . .whoa!) give me another chance (to treat you like total shit) and make you feel (all of the humiliation I can) like you did when we were married.



Me- OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



CWOAE- THINK of the KIDS (like I did when I left them at the park on the 4th with the psycho bitch I met online) and listen to your HEART (ummm my heart is elsewhere and it is under close guard, totally safe) YOU KNOW YOU WANT ME (to just get the fuck over it) and that I have been the only one for you (to come REALLY CLOSE TO wishing ill will to for a very long time). HOW can any guy (notice no use of the term man) COMPARE TO ME (ummmm why would they want to compare themselves to you???)


Me- OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


CWOAE- YOU KNOW YOU WANT ME (to get a clue and stop scaring the kids) If you don't want me, I guess I WILL JUST HAVE TO MOVE ON (by this he means leaving the kids too)


Me- this is not the time or the place, go now. . .


CWOAE- FINE GOOD LUCK RAISING THEM YOURSELF (ummmmmm seriously dude????)



Ok, for those of you keeping score- yes, in addition to the 20 year old in our bed (that I got to witness in spectacular Jerry Springer fashion), and the online ones, including the psycho he was with when I found out I had cancer. . .NOW it is my fault. . .cause I had my chance to go back to the greatness it was. . not.


OMG- ALL HAIL KARMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
* Cheating Whore of an Ex

Monday, November 23, 2009

Send Chamuel


When I was lost in the darkness and unable to see any light, I prayed for light and G-d Blinked

When I was hopeless and alone, and felt sure the pain would kill me, I begged for relief, and G-d blinked

When I was struggling to find the answers to the questions of my heart, and praying for a sign for guidence, G-d blinked

I am alone, and I am waiting for G-d to blink

Nothing like another year

Ever had one of those lives. . .

So much drama going on it is not to be believed, and well, quite honesty, the Rainmom is about to drown. I cannot ever remember being this pushed up against the wall emotionally, physically, and mentally, and I can also say I do not EVER remember being this close to a total and complete meltdown on all fronts.

You get to a point, when you have just had SO MUCH DRAMA for SO FUCKING LONG that you lose the ability to effectively deal with it, and your defenses and your soul weaken, and well, you worry about dragging new and special people down with you in the insanity that your life feels like it is becoming.

SO MUCH SO CLOSE and so many wonderful things to really bolster the umbrella, but the weakness is in the knowledge that someone who was unworthy has the inside scoop on all of your weaknesses and your insecurities, all of your Achilles spots, mostly your heart, and uses them in cruel and unusual ways until you wonder what the HELL you ever saw in them int he first place. . .

The kids are fine, well as fine as they can be, the mom is haning on fo rdear life, and waiting for some relief. . .

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Taking a few days


Back soon. . .

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Future. . .steps


Incredibly adaptable, very hardy, and able to handle extremes, beautiful to see in both the summer and winter months. . .hmmmmmmm;)
We may just have a winner with this one. . .

More Journey

2008 Fall Door County
Cocoa 2008

Pensive Precious Door County 2007


Me in Ireland 2005



Belfast Mural- 2005




More Precious Steps
















Fall Musings
















So, one of my students observed that Thanksgiving is about 3 weeks, less than 3 weeks away. . .already. . .and it got me thinking, what are we truly thankful for and what do we truly values in our lives?
Over these last 3 years, I have had a lot of opportunity, some would argue too many opportunities, to ponder my place, if there is one, in this world, is it a duty to leave a mark, some positive stamp on the world you inhabit for a lifetime, or are we to shuffle off quietly, without making too much of a fuss?
For a very long time now, I have been thinking that my role, my duty and obligation was to make something of myself- that if I did not have what I started out to get, that it would mean that I had somehow failed in life, no matter what I actually did achieve. Over the past few months, I have come to realize that who I am may just be good enough. . .but that I will feel so totally COMPLETE with my doctorate, and that has made all the difference. My education has always been fun, but now, it is so much more so, because it will add to who I already am, not validate me as a human being. . .does that make sense?
Also, by focusing on the goal, I realized I was missing the journey, and THAT was just not acceptable. The journey has been INCREDIBLE and it is STILL incredible, and new and wonderful things are still possible. . .and in honor of that realization. . .some of the journey so far. See above for precious steps on this journey.










Monday, November 2, 2009

Hmmmmm

Soooooo

SOME people noticed my rather cryptic closing to my last blog post. . .sometimes I honestly forget that I am not NEARLY as clever as I hope to be. . .alas. . .;)


Yes, things are going well here, better, and there are just so many things that are going right, that it is a real shame that the whole health thing had to get in the way. . .

Yes, there is a wonderful new reason to be happy, hopeful and all around giddy. . .and if you really want to know you are going to have to e mail me, at my school address. . .and even then, I can't promise you a whole lot. . .BUT know that for the first time in a really REALLY long time. . .I am at peace and hopeful.

Thanks to you all for sticking with me in this- I could not have done a lot of this without you:)

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Looking up and better


Soooooo, amazingly enough, health concerns have eased, and treatments are now over. . .for now:) Here under the umbrella, we have a great deal of news to report


Cocoa- ROCKING 2nd grade! Student of the month for kindness


Precious- MAINSTREAMED totally in 4th grade. . .that's right. . .I won, well, he won, but that whole smackdown between me and the district? p'wnd them!


Butter- 6th grade is doing wonders for my baby. . .strings concert last week did well!


Muffin- Sophomore year is looking better. . .legal troubles done, and all is well. . .


KIA- B.R.A.T.



Pumpkin- VERY ok. . .going back to school. . .soooooo happy:)


and me? Welllllll, let's just say that there is a new and very VERY wonderful reason to smile more lately. . . .