Deviance and Bliss

So, I have been missing lately, there are good reasons so let's get to it shall we? Ok, first and probably most important(you will freak when you see the other points) I have IRB approval and I am ready to go! I have 6 yes SIX people who want to talk to me. . .and I am thrilled. The Archives yield such awesome stuff, and I am just loving my dissertation. . . how much you ask? Enough to relegate my MARRIAGE/Elopement to second place. I make no apologies. I have been on this quest to get this degree longer than I've known him, so bah, it works. Yes, I got married- it made sense, he will be living with me soon(no, you read that right, we have not lived together yet) and well, to be honest, I am concerned. I have spent a LOT of time becoming who I am. . .me I Ema. I have made choices, done things made plans, and know now that while I am glad, of course, that I chose to marry him, I realize there are still many areas for concern. He is in his hometown in order to secure custody of his child. So we live 131 miles apart. Gas prices and money as it is, we meet about once a month. Sometimes twice(yay Christmas) and well, it was working well(no really in one way it was) The way it was working is this, I realize that after 4 years of calling my own shots. . .I am wondering about having someone around all.the.time. Do not get me wrong, he is awesome, and so chill and sweet, but at the end of the day I am. . .not. I NEED my leave me alone to work my tail off and crank the tunes times. The "OMG this is an amazing piece of history" moments. . .oh oh, SOOOOO hope I have not forgotten what it means to be a "couple." I am worried, I admit. I am so damn close to this, and wonder if I have it in me to be a "wife" right now. . .yes I know shitty timing but well, there it is, true to form. I know I want to be a wife, but can I be a wife? Hmmmm, I know from our conversations that he gets the quirks of me- the "leave me the hell alone I can do this myself" me. What I wonder is if he can be husband to such a wife. . .I think he can, but as I get better and G-d forbid as I decline healthwise, I wonder. . .am I ready to let myself trust someone to help? Yoda, my beloved advisor, has shown me many MANY times that she has my best interests at heart as I get this degree. Mz. Zz has too, as has Laura and many others. . .so has he but funny I find myself asking "to what end?" He knows my job search goes national in less than a year, he says he understands that in light of his custody battle(he had primary sole physical placement, the mom has hours to visit 2 days a week, no overnights because of her life partner choice) but does he know that when(see not if, WHEN) I get a job my kids and I are gone. . .and he has to decide if he comes with or if he can. . .he says he does, we have discussed it at length, but well, if I told you he was supposed to be moved in BEFORE the wedding, would that clue you in about the situation(he is still not moved in remember btw) So- in lieu of more whining I give this open letter to the strong souls of the world- It is hard to be a strong soul in a weak world. Do not give in to the idea that you NEED anyone, be strong. And if someone does venture in, slowly, take it easy and see how you do. . .and know I understand. I understand the wish the hope that some day you will have someone to share your work and all it's passion with, in minute detail. Hold out, stay the course and wait for someone who fits the bill- I could have had a number of people in my life- but in the end I had to realize and to decide on things, and well, they did not make the cut. Not family, but people who, for on reason or another, could not did not inspire in me the will to make them a part of life. I know you will wonder- as I do, can I handle NOT being alone. For as much as I wanted to share life with someone, there is a certain pride and dare I say purpose to knowing and remembering you can really only rely on yourself. . .but it is a lonely life- and as I read the Facebook pages of my friends, I see how much even the most independent of friends can and do have a life with someone they love- and I became aware of this idea of "lonely." I was always a HUGE fan of alone time, still am and plan on having it daily. But lonely is having a world to share and no one in it, I could tell the kids, but to what end? So as I saw my friends and their lives, I was aware that I did want to have such a thing. . .and here we are Strong Souls- we will always be strong, and while I admit to a certain degree of pride in fighting my illness and my life alone, savoring each rise from relapse and such as a victory, I have to say that I am hoping the future will be bright, and the path a bit smoother. . .hope for a strong soul.