Fall to pieces, put them back together

Funny how a sudden shock can really make your worldview change. A classmate of mine died Sunday. Not sure how, does it matter? No, not really, but what hit me the hardest is that for the past few weeks I have been struggling with something I have never EVER struggled with before. . .

I wanted to give up.

Yes, you read that right, I wanted to give up and just let things go- no more fighting anything anymore, just surrender. Convinced myself that it was just too hard to keep fighting when drama and stressors were all piling on me and everywhere I looked someone had their hand out and needed me to fix something. The more I fixed things, the more broken I felt, I just could never ever find a place where I could just relax for a bit. I was/am the rock, and I could feel myself crumbling. So many things at once- stress over work, everyday issues that just come up, the clutch on my car going out, oh and the outliers, both mine and my partner. The "relationship" between the ex and myself continues to be a major source of strain on me, especially on the issue of child support and the actual cost of having children, oh and the visitation schedule has become a guessing game. The partner's ex lying about living arrangements and personal issues. . . Yet, these reasons for that hopeless and lost mindset that I had seem so unimportant now, pointless. I almost let go, and actually thought I was being noble. I had gotten used to my kids asking why I always looked sad, and I had the pat answer down "I'm not sad, I'm tired." They knew I was sad, they just never knew why. . .for that I am grateful.

Then I heard about Sue yesterday.

Now I did not know Sue that well after school, I left school junior year- but, we worked together for a time when I was still a nurse, a lifetime ago. She was blunt, and funny, and well, I like that in a person. She was an amazing caretaker for the residents and was an ally and a friend to those in her care. I do not know the details of her death, really not my business, nor is the loss for me anywhere close to what her family and close friends are feeling right now. What hits me the most is that she was larger than life in school- a total icon for the unconventional girl of the 1980s. No flirting with fashions like the Boy Toy crap, nor was she totally preppy in her dress- her look was about her as a person, not as a statement of any kind. It is funny how that image of her is what fuels the feeling of loss I have now. Not in the painful and intense way that I know those who were close to her are struggling with now- nothing like that, but yet, it is the loss of this iconic person from my past that snapped me out of whatever the hell was draining my fight right out of me. Finances are always going to be a struggle, not just for me, for a lot of people. How self centered I was just 24 hours ago. . .thinking that it was better to just let go and hope that life would get better if I gave up. Feeling guilty about the way I thought is fleeting. I have wasted too much time in self pity, and the time for that is never. Despite a lot of victories, I confess to horrific tunnel vision. . .and it almost cost me everything.
Sue, the worst part of all of this is that I never had a chance to tell you how much I admired you in school and at work. I look to the people who are helping Precious through his life, and they all share your qualities- you understood that it was more important to help people define themselves with what they could do, not by their limitations. There is nothing I can do now to let you know that, but I can promise you that I will not let another minute go by that I don't live life, and I will get busy living, and forget about getting busy dying. I now have another debt to you that I cannot repay to you personally, and I am so sorry that you are gone so soon, too soon. I pray your family finds comfort somehow
Sue, I hope you have found peace, and I think of your family at this time. I am ashamed that it took your loss to realize how close I was to losing. I will not get that close again, I promise you and my kids.

Game on. . .let's do this. . .Time to Mom up as only a November woman can. . .