Remember

One of the worst parts of this whole situation was dealing with the violence associated with being involved with a CWOAS. . .and if you do not have a low self image going in, finding yourself married to a CWOAS can get you from 60 to zero. . .very very fast.
I had always known that certain situations made my CWOAS "tense" and over time, I came to understand that some of these tense situations would result in me not being able to be in public for a while, until the swelling went down or fading marks could be covered with make up. . .and I lived like that. . .until a strange, wonderful set of events set me in a place where those tense situation would become the deviant acts they were, not matters for the home to be managed quietly. . .Through the most remarkable turn of events, I went to grad school. . .I went back to school to earn my B.A. to finish what I started, and because my incomplete degree made my CWOAS angry- money wasted.
I made it through with a degree in Sociology, and that is where it would have stopped if not for a wonderful person named Ellie- who lavishly praised my skill in extracting and defining information from theory to answer her questions in sociological theory class. . .and she encouraged me to continue on in school. . .and helped me get things in place to apply. . .and I was accepted.
CWOAS was all for it, because my B.A. was "worthless" and while he had no intention of me getting a job that would replace his (who would take care of the house??) he did not want to pay back my student loans- he wanted me to go to grad school and be able to earn enough. . .to pay what I owed.
I entered a new world, one in which I was. . .smart. . .people saw me as having knowledge worth knowing, and I loved teaching people what I learned, it was so much fun. I felt. . .strong. Secure. Self worth.
This feeling was not exactly unknown. . .but it had been missing for a loooong time, in my everyday life. I found a place where people asked the same kinds of questions I did, and who were as interested in the weird stuff about the world and society and culture. . .I had found kindred spirits. . .and found my own as well.
This made home more. . .tense. Because that new found personhood did not make it home with me each night. . .I left that person at school every day. And it got intolerable.
When I had to lie about having a night class every semester for a year so I could go to the library to do my research, because if I was not in class, I should be home. . .with the kids. . .and remember that school was not paying the bills. . .when I had a phone call from a male caller(the professor I was working for) who mentioned that he had missed seeing me on campus. . .and suffered the consequences. . .BUT
As I got smarter, I got stronger- my childhood had its share of tensions, but I was a child then, I was now an educated woman with children, including a daughter who was going to watch me for lessons on how to live her life. . .and I finally knew. . .With the care and concern and support of wonderful people like Laura, Amanda, Carrie, and yes, even Debbie (!!) Kent and Leslie, Megan and Kyle, Amber and Micah. . .and many many others. . .I not only got a degree, I got a life, one that was finally going to be mine to live in a way that would maybe allow for me to someday find someone who would not be threatened by my education, but impressed by me.
Someone who would know how to handle conflict, and would not need to hurt in order to express feelings. . .in short, grad school got me to the place that when faced with a freak show CWOAS reveal straight out of Jerry Springer. . .I did not accept it as my due, but rejected it outright, and stood up for myself- and when I was faced with that anger, and felt it hit me, hurt me, I did not let it go- I made a call. . .and I knew I would be ok, my kids would be ok, and our life would some day be so totally more than ok. . .because of grad school.
If you find yourself with a CWOAS, or if you just know something is missing in you and you are moving on, find your "grad school" place. . .and grow from there. I did- it made everything else possible.