Nothing like a birthday to bring out the introspection. . .wait. . . what is "introspection" when it is no longer in. . .:)
But seriously- having a birthday is all it takes for people, well some, to think about things. . .take stock, and well, apart from New Year's resolutions. . .it is a much more personal focus- here it is the anniversary of your birth. . .what have YOU done for the world?
Well, hmmm, what HAVE I done? What have I NOT done. . .I guess this year, I can say a few different things than before;
I have learned that parenting now is really not any different than before. . .odd, but I just never realized how much was on me. . .and how much was not. I refrain from stooping to a level unbecoming an academic, for the kids, but well you get the point. . .the whole "you are on your own. . .well, not a big difference from before.
I learned that I am the wrong kind of feminist this year- that to not savage someone personally for their political/ differences, to demand verification, and the refusal to blithely pass along lies via reflector e mail/listservs can cost you friends. . .and a lot more. Someone from school wants to read this, before I would have had no problem, but now? I am seriously afraid to let them. . .sad, but true. I have no other outlet for these things, the blog as personal refuge for this mom, and I am not sure what I will do. . .but I resent like hell that I am feeling bad in the first place. Damn, guess I have not come that far along. . .
I realized that I will always be Rainmom, that Precious will always have the autism issue, and so long as he has it, so will I- oh, that school situation? Demands a post of its own. . .with the Coparent. . .from Napa Valley. . .comes from grapes. . .in a glass. . .:)
I learned that as much as I miss my parents, I never really knew them as well as my kids know me. They have a really different parenting structure than I had, not sure if that is bad or good- but nevertheless- as much as I miss my parents, I missed the chance to ever really grow old with them. My dad has been dead for almost 15 years- and I was 15 years too late to try to not only understand him, but to know him as well. . .I knew only so much about his life- I wish I could have the chance to sit down with him and really talk- as only someone as old as I am now can. . .I wish I could have had the chance to be an adult with my parents.
I wish my kids had more family- when I think about my upbringing, I remember the house swamped for all the holidays- and rooms crammed wall to wall with people. . .floors with sleeping bags, mattresses. . .the house stuffed to the top. My kids? We do not even have a core group of friends to hang out with- I wish we could have had more family for longer. . .Butter, Precious, and Cocoa do not remember their Bubbe, and non of my kids remember their Zaydie, my dad.
But, I also remember how I would wonder, especially as I got older, what it would be like to be a mom- and I can now say that being a mom is better and worse than I ever thought possible. Better in that you realize a lot of things as a parent that you never did before- like the fact that teaching and learning are life long, ongoing, and an endless source of amazement and fun. That anyone who says that life is boring is so TOTALLY not paying attention, and that kids know more than you do about certain things. . .whether they do or not. . .you just have to roll with it, hope for the best, and be on call for anything. . .which I now know is a perfect situation for this mom- I love every minute with the kids. . .just don't always have the best time. . .just being there is the important thing. . .does that make sense?
There are a TON of things I would change about my life- but they are all pretty cosmetic, I want to work out more, start going out and seeing people, have more of a social life. . .but those are all things that I can change when I want to. . .WHEN IT IS TIME.
Right now? I am content to raise my kids, finish my degree, scrap by, and remain. . .the Mother of all umbrellas.
Shalom- Shavoa Tov
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