Darkness and cloud

I rarely, if ever, spend much time trying to figure out why I am, or how I do, or who I want my kids to be- looking back, it was just not something my parents really spent time on. With our life the way it was, nothing mattered except how we, as a family, were going to get through the day, at some points, where we were going to sleep, how we were going to eat, present time and place took the majority of our attention, again as a group. I began working for money when I was 10- earning 1 dollar an hour as a babysitter, by the time I was 14, I was working at whatever jobs I could, picking produce in fields, lying about my age (this used to be really easy) and working in diners as a waitress or busing tables, or washing dishes. Summer "vacations" were really extended work hours and trying to build up a cushion of funds to get through the year. . .there was no "fun" and there was very little time for stopping to think if my life was dark, bereft of hope, or even wanting- retrospect being what it is, I now understand why I have made some of the parenting decisions I have. . .but I am nonetheless fascinated by those who engage in the daily pondering of their life direction, their path, their purpose, and most interestingly, their own sense of happiness and well being. The pursuit of a life of happiness is very foreign to me, well, in my experience, happiness was getting things done and surviving another day, so I cannot help but be interested in the way others think about this subject.

Friday, a young man took his life in the parking lot of his school- he was 17, smart, popular, had many close friends, a loving older brother, and a future that many would be so happy to look forward to, but he could not see it. This sweet, funny and sensitive young man could not see the passing darkness for what it was; passing clouds on the horizon of his life. He saw only the present dark, and felt that his life was just not worth living, that the darkness was the perpetual state of his life, rather than a passing phase. He foundered in this darkness, and eventually sought to escape it- by ending his life.

My 15 year old son was there when he did this. . .and saw the attempts, frantic and futile, to save this young man, who, by some accounts was able to speak after the fact. . .and the memory of this tragic death will be with him for years to come, but he is alive, and while the painful and horrific events of our life do leave their mark, they can also serve as benchmarks, reminders, of how far we, as human beings have come in our life journey.

Jacob- I mourn your loss- and cannot thank you enough for all the help you offered in your job to my son, Precious, when he needed just the right DVD title, or tried to mess with the settings of the electronics in your department. You were a sweet patient understanding young man, with a lot of things going for you and many people in your corner. I am so sorry for those close to you, who feel your loss so very much- our trips to the store you worked at will never be the same.

Rest In Peace, Jacob

June 10, 1991-May 1, 2009