..................Your mission, Rainmom, and you have to accept it is to . . .create a holiday you have no real attachment to, and make it authentic, tasty, and MERRY. . . or your parental status will self destruct in no time flat. . . .good luck!
Yeah, thanks for that. . .
In trying to figure this all out, I turned to bitter enemy, Nemesis for the ages, that paragon of domestic perfection. . .Martha Stewart. . .and I began to plan this holiday.
In no other human being can you find the level of superficial perfection with so little substance- Martha is a standard that cannot be matched, so I internalized Martha and began to plan my Fauxmas . . .
After gently telling me that a "Happy Hanukkah Jesus" would not be apropos. . .and after talking me down off the top shelf of "holiday essential oil lamps" My inner Martha took me shopping until we dropped. . .or went broke.
Had we shopped where my inner Martha wanted to. . .Bed Bath and Beyond Expensive, or Yonkers that is expensive, we would have dropped at the threshold without buying an entire gift (all my money could have bought about a third of a lovely twin set. . .size 6 months) so we went to Tar'get and 'Walmart. . .and after my inner Martha overcame discount shopping induced hyperventilation with a paper bag (100 for 75 cents) we were off.
Store bought cookies? Perish the thought said Martha. Go to my website and get the recipe for my cookies and Royal icing. . .FINE Martha. . .
Paper table cloth? OMG! Martha found a lovely festive linen one. . .$12.99- Oh Holy NIGHT, is that a fudge making kit? NOT ON YOUR JEW LIFE screeched Martha- $15 and change for all of the stuff to make fudge from scratch. . .dammit!
paper plates- nope place settings for 8 for $20.00, complete with "tasteful but festive" motif. . .which will look a bit odd in July, but so be it. . .
CUPS? I would not be spared- Martha opted for cheerful Santa /Snowmen mugs. . .$8.00 a piece. . .
Home again, and I now have about 8 hours of "preparation" for the "holiday gaiety"
Total for Christmas purchases- about 100 dollars for real not Rainman reference
Martha inspired/assisted Christmas-pricey. . .um priceless
Happy Christmas to all from under the umbrella!
Yeah, thanks for that. . .
In trying to figure this all out, I turned to bitter enemy, Nemesis for the ages, that paragon of domestic perfection. . .Martha Stewart. . .and I began to plan this holiday.
In no other human being can you find the level of superficial perfection with so little substance- Martha is a standard that cannot be matched, so I internalized Martha and began to plan my Fauxmas . . .
After gently telling me that a "Happy Hanukkah Jesus" would not be apropos. . .and after talking me down off the top shelf of "holiday essential oil lamps" My inner Martha took me shopping until we dropped. . .or went broke.
Had we shopped where my inner Martha wanted to. . .Bed Bath and Beyond Expensive, or Yonkers that is expensive, we would have dropped at the threshold without buying an entire gift (all my money could have bought about a third of a lovely twin set. . .size 6 months) so we went to Tar'get and 'Walmart. . .and after my inner Martha overcame discount shopping induced hyperventilation with a paper bag (100 for 75 cents) we were off.
Store bought cookies? Perish the thought said Martha. Go to my website and get the recipe for my cookies and Royal icing. . .FINE Martha. . .
Paper table cloth? OMG! Martha found a lovely festive linen one. . .$12.99- Oh Holy NIGHT, is that a fudge making kit? NOT ON YOUR JEW LIFE screeched Martha- $15 and change for all of the stuff to make fudge from scratch. . .dammit!
paper plates- nope place settings for 8 for $20.00, complete with "tasteful but festive" motif. . .which will look a bit odd in July, but so be it. . .
CUPS? I would not be spared- Martha opted for cheerful Santa /Snowmen mugs. . .$8.00 a piece. . .
Home again, and I now have about 8 hours of "preparation" for the "holiday gaiety"
Total for Christmas purchases- about 100 dollars for real not Rainman reference
Martha inspired/assisted Christmas-pricey. . .um priceless
Happy Christmas to all from under the umbrella!
2 comments:
I love this post! I can totally hear you saying every little bit, especially your tone every time I read "Martha."
:)
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