Water for Chocolate, security over fidelity, fear over happiness and other lousy trade offs

Always at the start of the Jewish New Year, I get these strange inspirations to write about topics that at first seem at odds-yet it is always about leaving behind the old year, and embracing the new possibilities, and my inability to let go of some of the more lasting effects of the past, that continue to wreck havoc on my present and cast doubt over my future.

That I am writing as I ponder love is quite new, as it has been a very long time since anything but maternal love has entered into my realm, and I have to be honest, for lack of a better term, it has been a most demanding of times. I have entered into a relationship that is up and down, high and low, amazing and frustrating. . .you get the point.

There is distance there is drama, and today, I just cried at how hard it is to do this love thing. It is easy to love my kids, even when they are at their worst, because at the end of the day, they are my kids, and well, I have that bond with them that supersedes any of the every day crap that would keep me from writing them off.

Romantic love is quite different, and I find myself almost clinical about the situation, though have refrained from plotting it out or running any regressions. . .controlling for variables is ONLY palatable in my romantic life. . .I know, weird!

To say I am happy with the situation, is for the most part true- however, recent events make me wonder how much longer a long distance relationship can last when you want to see someone every day and you can't, and when your work schedules make it impossible to be together, and you start to look at other couples, and there is something very much like the feeling you used to get when someone got the one thing you wanted and they were your BFF- you are at the core happy for them and their bliss- yet bitterness can also show up, brought on by the fact that you are lonely, and alone, and when you can't be together it is hard not to wonder if things will ever be better. I cannot fathom life without him, but I cannot stand the situation as it is. . .bitter sweet, love at a distance, water for the miracle that is chocolate- these are the harshest of trade offs:)