16 kiddo! Wow, there is just so much to say to you. . .but the most important thing is Muffin, I am blessed beyond belief that we made it this far.
When we found out about your heart defect, we were stunned, shocked, scared, panic stricken and well, I WAS PISSED. To this day, I remember the cold harsh attitude of the doctor who told us about it- we had brought you in for a routine thing, your eye was leaking ick, and when she listened to your heart she said. . .hmmmmm well, you DO realize he has a whole in his heart somewhere. WTF- um no, we did not. And she says, well, you are going to have to get him in this week, if the cardiologist from Children's was not visiting this week, I would be having you go there today (it was Saturday you were 6 weeks old). Really? It is that bad?
Well, she said, it could be fatal. OMH WHAT??? FATAL? Shouldn't he be going now? She said no we could wait, but if you showed any signs of turning blue (?????), sweating, excessive sleeping (WTF HE IS 6 WEEKS OLD!) I should call 911. . .she then says well, have a good weekend (??????????) and leaves!!!!!!!
Muffin I got you dressed,and wrapped you up and held you close. . .and cried, just once for that time, let myself wallow in self pity for just a bit. . .then I went on the attack. Called and made that appointment with the cardiologist that day ( I do not CARE if it is Saturday, my son NEEDS this appointment- now schedule it!), and I started reading up on this, found out that VSD was a shifty bitch to treat, a most worrisome heart condition. . . well then- GAME ON!
ECos, and x rays, sedation and screaming fits of terror as we went every month to get you checked out. Seeing your heart on the screen, the blood just gushing out of that hole in your heart, OMG I almost passed out with fear- you were sedated, and I was alone, your dad was never able to come to any of these appointments I realized- through the "procedures" (that felt like surgery), and the meds, and the fear and the pain. . .through it all we were there together. I remember that night after the discovery, when we were snuggled, I had just nursed you and you had sacked out as usual and I felt that stab of fear. Now I knew there was something wrong, what if what if WHAT IF? I love you, my heart was so full of love for you, but I was afraid to love you. . .what if I lost you? Then, as if you could hear my thoughts, you opened your eyes and looked right at me, and your hand moved toward my face, and I just knew- I knew the risks of loving you, and there was no way I could withhold that love from you. We were in it to win it- no half assed fight and no maybe. . . we will beat this. . .VICTORY IS OUR ONLY OPTION!
And we got it- finally, your heart was healed, and you were just fine. . .we were just fine, and I knew that no matter what, it was always good to take a chance on love, because in the end love is its own reward- loving you was and is its own reward Muffin.
You have faced more challenges, and while you have stumbled, you have not given up and you have not given in- and I respect and love you so much for that! I am proud of the man you are!
We still have so much living to do yet. . .and we will Muffin we will!
Happy birthday!
Love Ema
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