Martha and I go for a Smoothie

Since she did such a BANG up job for the holiday season, talked me into, um, I mean through a holiday that was not mine to have. . .I could not think of a more appropo person to have a smoothie with than my inner Martha (I am assuming Club Fed and insider trading were not too terribly traumatic!)

In the interest of full disclosure- I filed the smoothie away with yoga and trendy food as just not for me. . .they just seemed so cutesier and New Age. . .not that there is anything wrong with that. . .some of my good friends are card carrying New Agers. . .

So, after the kids are in bed, and I have laid down a layer of soundproofing to mask the blender sound, and after getting a recipe off the Internet. . .Martha and I were ready for our smoothie. . .

RM- Ok, time to get some ice

Inner Martha- Did you pre crush the ice?

RM- ?? Why the hell would I do that?

IM- Nice, way to put the lax in relaxation with that bidet mouth. . .pre crushing the ice will make for a smoother smoothie.

RM-Oh, right

IM- Did you brew the Chai?

RM-(running tea bags under hot water faucet) Yeah. . sure

IM- Was the water slightly less than roiling?

RM-???? HTFSIK!

IM- Look, I am not going to help you if you keep this hostility going. . .I am calling for a TRANQUILITY MOMENT.


IM- There, now are you in a happy place?

RM- Censored for the delicate reader. . .wipes drool from chin. . .

IM- Look are you in this or not?

RM- Yeah, sorry. What now?

IM- Add all the elements into the Smoothie mixer

RM- I have a Blender

IM- I said a Smoothie mixer

RM- Um, who is Lax in the relax department now??

IM- Fine, put it in your common Little trailer model blender

Grinding noises ensue

IM- Where are the Smoothie glasses?

RM- I have these

IM- Figures. . .fine, pour the mixture in. . .straw whipped creme. . .

RM- Well, let's down the stuff

IM- Cheers

Silence as IM Quaffs and RM chugs. . .

RM- Why is this taking so long?

IM- What?

RM- Why is this so hard to drink?

IM- Because you are supposed to sip it. . .a good smoothie will take about a half hour to consume and enjoy

RM- WHAT??? WTF, Martha!? I do not have 30 minutes to wait to drink a smoothie. . .I have work to do!

IM- You are not in a smoothie place right now. . .find your smoothie place. . .find it. . .

RM- You mean like a Corona ad?

IM- A what?

RM- Never mind. . .how do I get this stuff to pour?

IM- You wait for it to melt and sip while thinking rich and relaxing thoughts. . .

RM- I am 0 for 2 on this Martha. . .

more navel gazing as I wait for my smoothie to prepare itself for consumption

IM- Well, I am off, I hope you enjoyed your smoothie

RM- Wait one Origami Napkin moment! You have to help me get the smoothie off the ceiling and do the dishes. . .

IM- Darling, who do you think I am, Rachael Ray? I am Martha Stewart! Martha doesn't DO dishes. . .cheerio!

RM-&#%@

Ahh, relaxation. . . the Martha Stewart way!