Letting go

Funny how things work out- seems so trite, but at the same time, it really is odd to examine life and realize that many of the life lessons you were SUPPOSED to learn, do actually matter, and do actually have to be faced.

In a million years, I never thought that I would be in this place at this time, but I am very thankful that I have survived it, and now, since I know I am OK, I can share what has been damn near killing me for months. . .ready? It's a jaw dropper. . .

At this point in my life, where so MUCH is AMAZING, where all the things that I knew were eventually going to happen, a new life, a FREAKING FELLOWSHIP, progress in my writing, and even a much more relaxed household, I was suddenly gripped with something very VERY odd, and to be brutally honest, puzzling. . .out of nowhere, I had to face the feelings that I had been ignoring so long- the ones attached to the implosion of my first marriage.

I know, right? It has literally been years- and I really never did "go over it" in my "soul" and "put things into perspective. . .until the last health crisis hit over the end of summer into fall. . .then it hit. Like a ton of bricks. . .and I realized I had to make some sort of sense of it all, and it had to be fair, and it had to be honest. . .but it also had to be the LAST FREAKING TIME I WASTED TIME ON IT. With ground rules set, I was ready to go.

So, I think the start of this came when I had to face death- you only get so many get out of death free(ha!) cards in dealing with health, so when this last one hit, I had to face the fact that it could be the time I had to decide if I wanted to fight the good fight, or use the time I had left to make good memories, polish off the Bucket list and go from there. That was the easy part- the hard part was imagining my kids being raised by their father. And so it began, in order to find peace, I had to really go back and sort through the mess that was that break up, in order to determine if I really felt they would be in good hands if I was not around.

Whew- that sucked. . .BIG TIME. . .

My children are are so precious to me, I have tried so hard to be a mom, strong, fearless, and to lead by example. . .what kind of example would their dad be? Which is why I had to force myself to be fair, but honest.

When all of this began, the kids were so young, I was still fat and healthy, and well, to be honest, the fact that he was cheating on me was heartbreaking. I mean REALLY??? Give me an existential BREAK! I resolved NOT to trash talk him. . .to the kids. . .and once things were over, I did not wonder about his life beyond my children's well being. Who he dated, what he did with his life was and still is not my concern. I admit that I am grateful to Karma in that his life is not working out the way I think he thought it would, because I am human, and what he did to me and our family was inhumane, but I digress. I know there was enough drama to last a lifetime, but I also seriously thought that if I just ignored it, it would not affect me. . .

Epic Fail on my part

Because it DID affect me, and by pretending it did not, I was wasting a ton of energy in not dealing with it, and when I started losing energy, the effort became too much, and out it came, the anger, the hurt, the hate, the fear, the loathing for him and myself, at the mess, at the charade that I let myself live, that I was seriously stupid for staying as long as I did, and scared of losing everything because I did not stay for the money (hey I said honest) Child support is kind of a misleading term. What I am getting now is "child can live in their home for another month" because despite his income, he pays only that amount. Period. End of discussion. Let's just say that kids cost a lot more than he knows, and he makes a LOT more than I do. . .percentage wise he pays 17% of his income to support the kids- I contribute 100% of my income and have full custody. . .I'm not super good at math, but hey, there it is.

I also know this about their dad- he is SUPER concerned with appearances and status. So, if nothing else, he will not want to suck at parenting if I die, he will do it up well, or die trying, so on that issue I was reassured. In addition, I have 3 adult sons now- and I know they will step up and be there for their siblings and each other if the battle goes ill. . .so that was semi resolved.

The money thing is a huge stress-Financial ruin is a powerful tool for motivation to graduate, to get out quick and "get a real job" but in the middle of this stupid process I made one of the best decisions ever- with a lot of help from certain people in my life (yes YOU Yoda) I decided to concentrate on producing a great dissertation, not a fast graduation date. And that, to paraphrase Frost, has made all of the difference.

So, kids are going to be ok, I have made the decision to write great words, all done right?

Nope. . .there was one more thing,

ummmm how to be in a good marriage

I had never been in one, and one would think that finally being in one would be the best on the job training. . .

Nope- not at all

So, while I knew, deep down, that I was not to blame for the way I was treated (no really I knew it on some abstract level) at the same time, I did not know how to handle being CARED FOR. . .

Seriously I had no clue

Someone who made coffee for me in the morning

Remembered I hate cut flowers because I don't want them to die on my account

who loves metal concerts as much as I do

who has never laid a hand on me except to hug me or help me in and out of the car (!!!!)

who loves to hold hands

who tells me every day he is lucky to have me

Who sends random texts about missing me but never calls me at work unless it is an emergency

I could go on, but you get the point.

Because of who he is, and who I am, it was clear I had to get over something. . .I had to stop seeing his efforts as a sign of my weakness

Whaaa?

Yep, you read that right- weakness! From the get go, I was raised to believe in being strong, never depending on anyone, even (maybe especially?) family, because in the end, you only had yourself to count on. . .or blame.

Then this relationship happened. And it was time to get things squared away. After a lot of patience and honesty, I am finally able to say- I can count on someone other than myself- and I am trying hard to be more forthcoming when I need help instead of waiting until I am half dead to ask for a bit of help. For a while, such action was an odd test of strength for me- no matter what, I was making to work. . .but after all this I want more, I want to make it rock star awesome- and this was a good start.

Because now I know- it was never about me being worthless- it was about me not seeing the things I did do well as valuable. The comments from teachers about how wonderful my kids were in school was part of who I am, the endless IEPs and planning for summer sessions for all the kids, the trips to the museum, the walks the beach, these were not just things I did for the kids, they defined the kind of person I am to them- I have made memories and provided a foundation for them to grow on, and while I plan on rocking out at my grandchildren's weddings, I feel a bit more a peace about things.

While the work on my nonassertiveness training continues, it is much better, and well, all I can say now is. . .let's DO THIS!!!!!!!

Ahhh yes. . .

Hello. . .I am going to try to blog more, I really think that there is something I get from blogging that just is not possible on Facebook.

Things under the umbrella are holding steady- I have been documenting my holiday misadventures, so hopefully you can see that while Christmas 2.0 was improved over the past one. . .I am still a rookie on it:)

One of the things I am focused on now is my dissertation. . .it is a both burden and blessing, and after initial setbacks, you know the usual mindset I have that I should be an expert first time out, and a steady diet of humble pie(no really, try sitting across from someone less than half your age and know he is a better writer than you. . .not enough whipped cream in the WORLD to sweeten that up!) I am hoping to have the rest done very soon.

I am eating, breathing, sleeping and all other biological functions this dissertation. . .and will keep you posted.

The kids are well-we had birthdaypalooza- Cocoa turned 10, Precious 12, and KIA will be a whopping 22 years old on New Year's Eve. . .

more later

Poor neglected Blog

I have been silent- but with good and well, sort of sucky, reasons. Bullet points as I have a chapter of my dissertation almost done, bringing the total to 2, and the introduction is almost done. . .

Kids are great- and I am hoping the school year is going to go well

I got sick again this summer, did an almost complete round of treatment, and feel much better now than I did in August, seriously, most of the month, up until about the last week or so, I felt totally awful

Not sure how I feel about the cooler weather this early

The puppy is doing fine, but he is HUGE

My family members in Florida are moving away from their crappy situation and will be much better off with a fresh start in a state that is not imploding. . .I am very happy

I am starting to get my credentials together for a real job. . .:)

Such stuff as dreams are made on- The Bard. . .

Dreams- so much symbolism to them, yes? Of course yes, and yet what exactly are they? Who has them and do "they" every come true?

I would not presume to know how others feel, but I will be honest, I was and to theis day, still am a practical dreamer.

Practical in the sense that if I imagine something, and there is anyone else that needs to do something to make that dream reality, it is strictly second tier. Dreams that happen are the ones that depend on how willing you are to make them happen, and rely on an assessment of yourself. Properly applied, you can have a great deal of accuracy predicting which dreams come true and which ones are also ran.

Ah, but it is not a perfect method, because the wild card is always there, waiting to trump you, and leave you sputtering in helpless helplessness. . .cursing yourself for forgetting the first rule of dreaming- only dream big if you and you alone are the key success.

I admit, I was hoping against the cynical foundation that my dream machine is built upon, that just this once, I could actually count on someone. I was wrong.

While many may believe that they are living the dream, I am one who lives to dream, but only on my terms. . .

Cyber Crime- cruelest cut, viscious byte AKA How autocorrect killed my computer

I vented a post or 1 ago that I wanted to kill/maim/punish my cell phone- calling out It who cannot/must not be named. . .aka autocorrect for ruining my life with its perverted and rather sick/gross sense of humor. . .
Autocorrect took vengeance today and killed my computer- put out a contract and my poor little VIAO now hibernates with the cyber fishes, taking the epic fail nap, the blue screen of death. . .you know the drill.
By most nefarious of collusion- autocorrect, with its replacing sweet kisses to my sweetie with the name of the former Pakistani president (MUAHS becomes Musharraf) texts HIGHLY inappropriate missives to both my children (hey did you have your math test today to my 13 year old became hey sis your ass smell good today, as well as a text telling my 17 year old that his dad was here was changed to your dad is heterosexual. My 26 year old was most blessed to get my message where I meant to ask him if he was eating out by himself, and autocorrect, the silly bitch, sent the question if he was eating himself) as well as my sweetie (when asking him if he was having a good time, autocorrect sent a text asking him to have an orgy), but I digress
Curse you autocorrect- you did contract with the Notorious WPL and did send an evil surge into my home, and killed my poor surge protected computer. Curse you Curse you. . .
RIP Stalwart VIAO- you will be avenged! Rest assured, I will find away to transplant your great cache of data, and I will have my work to date on my dissertation no matter what it takes. . .and in some subtle way, I will figure out how to honor your memory. . .sniff, sob, a pox on autocorrect!

Bad backs, Bad Karma, and heat oh my

Not sure where to start- back out and in, kids are restless, I have so much work to do on every part of my life, school, house, life-and just when the lousy weather was looking to be my ally- it got hotter than anything we've seen so far, which leads the kids to want the beach. ALL.THE.TIME. . .
Ordinarily not a problem, but I have work, dissertation and oh yes, this bad back that makes sitting, walking, laying down, standing up, well, every move can feel like getting zapped with a cattle prod. . .so we wait on things and I just continue to work as much as I can.
Hope your summer is going well, and I am trying to do what I can to improve my kid's summer life- last year was so much more planned, this year summer feels like it snuck up on me, and now I'm flailing. . .sigh
Back to work. . .

Is temporary insanity a good defense when you want to kill your cell phone?

I have a cell phone, and I can list a LOT of reasons why they are great- however, I can also list many reasons why I am plotting the demise of mine. . .and depending on the day, the methodology involved varies on degree of damage, from say a cracked screen to total destruction.

I plead insanity because autocorrect is provoking me in ways that defy description. Yes, there is a site, here that shows the merriment of such situations. . .but the emotions one feels when it actually happens to you. . .not really coming through. . .

I know now how the poor victims of autocorrect feel. When texting my son KIA about supper, I instructed him to put some "frozen piss" into the oven. . .yes, and when I attemped to correct my statement, the menu had changed once again, this time "fuckweazel" was to be placed in the oven (here is the best part) at a toasty 400 degrees for 15 minutes. Ummm yum?

Then my son Muffin age 17, was no where to be found so I texted him the message "Olga, are you heterosexual?" when I was asking him if he was here. . .yes, let the countdown to therapy begin!

Then when attempting a double message to each of the above mentioned sons at once, with a 7.5 degree of difficulty for women my age attached- I joyously told them "Fuck you" when I meant to say love you. . .then when I tried to say the phone was a pain in the ass, it autocorrected it to a pain in the aside. . .at which point, I carefully put the phone down. . .when all I wanted to do was rocket it across the room.

For now it is safe, I need it more than I can imagine. However-it should tread lightly. . .