I will have a birthday tomorrow- 11-22, and for others this is a day of what? Dinners out maybe a gift or something else, but under the umbrella, it is of course, not that simple.
It is here, on the Eve of my birthday that the seeds of who I am today were sown, when I was 6, to be exact. It is events of my life that rule the day that is my birthday- and I have spent my life since that day, trying to make a life for myself beyond the events of that day. . .and beyond.
When you think of your birthday, imagine it as you do- a day to remark and to evaluate the path you are on and the directions you have taken or discarded- my life has made this day one of assessment- harsh, demanding and totally NOT the candle on the cupcake kind of time. . .the pain of this day cannot be underestimated, it was on this day that the seeds of my destruction were sown, and denied. My entire life has been spent trying to undo what this day has done to me- and I find myself at a place that makes my future so tenuous, and my resolve so weak.
I make the birthdays of my children so much a part of their lives- that they own their day the most amazing of social constructs- the day they began!
I do not have that for myself- I have been slotted to spend this day, 11-22, wondering if what I have made happen is enough to purge the past. . .this year. . . no
Lost my teaching job for a noble reason, but gone none the less. . .and a life in shambles- with remission no longer an accomplishment to cling to- I am lost and ready to implode.
So- in this regard my birthday, here under the umbrella will be a bit forced- the wonderful little humans will delight in their gifts of love and cards of caring- as I struggle with the legacy of what this day means to me as a human- not mom but as a separate entity. . .Darkness rules this day in my heart. . .but in the social construct of motherhood. . .all is well. . .
a most curious paradox
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