Ramblings of a November woman

Nothing like a birthday to bring out the introspection. . .wait. . . what is "introspection" when it is no longer in. . .:)


But seriously- having a birthday is all it takes for people, well some, to think about things. . .take stock, and well, apart from New Year's resolutions. . .it is a much more personal focus- here it is the anniversary of your birth. . .what have YOU done for the world?

Well, hmmm, what HAVE I done? What have I NOT done. . .I guess this year, I can say a few different things than before;

I have learned that parenting now is really not any different than before. . .odd, but I just never realized how much was on me. . .and how much was not. I refrain from stooping to a level unbecoming an academic, for the kids, but well you get the point. . .the whole "you are on your own. . .well, not a big difference from before.

I learned that I am the wrong kind of feminist this year- that to not savage someone personally for their political/ differences, to demand verification, and the refusal to blithely pass along lies via reflector e mail/listservs can cost you friends. . .and a lot more. Someone from school wants to read this, before I would have had no problem, but now? I am seriously afraid to let them. . .sad, but true. I have no other outlet for these things, the blog as personal refuge for this mom, and I am not sure what I will do. . .but I resent like hell that I am feeling bad in the first place. Damn, guess I have not come that far along. . .

I realized that I will always be Rainmom, that Precious will always have the autism issue, and so long as he has it, so will I- oh, that school situation? Demands a post of its own. . .with the Coparent. . .from Napa Valley. . .comes from grapes. . .in a glass. . .:)


I learned that as much as I miss my parents, I never really knew them as well as my kids know me. They have a really different parenting structure than I had, not sure if that is bad or good- but nevertheless- as much as I miss my parents, I missed the chance to ever really grow old with them. My dad has been dead for almost 15 years- and I was 15 years too late to try to not only understand him, but to know him as well. . .I knew only so much about his life- I wish I could have the chance to sit down with him and really talk- as only someone as old as I am now can. . .I wish I could have had the chance to be an adult with my parents.

I wish my kids had more family- when I think about my upbringing, I remember the house swamped for all the holidays- and rooms crammed wall to wall with people. . .floors with sleeping bags, mattresses. . .the house stuffed to the top. My kids? We do not even have a core group of friends to hang out with- I wish we could have had more family for longer. . .Butter, Precious, and Cocoa do not remember their Bubbe, and non of my kids remember their Zaydie, my dad.

But, I also remember how I would wonder, especially as I got older, what it would be like to be a mom- and I can now say that being a mom is better and worse than I ever thought possible. Better in that you realize a lot of things as a parent that you never did before- like the fact that teaching and learning are life long, ongoing, and an endless source of amazement and fun. That anyone who says that life is boring is so TOTALLY not paying attention, and that kids know more than you do about certain things. . .whether they do or not. . .you just have to roll with it, hope for the best, and be on call for anything. . .which I now know is a perfect situation for this mom- I love every minute with the kids. . .just don't always have the best time. . .just being there is the important thing. . .does that make sense?

There are a TON of things I would change about my life- but they are all pretty cosmetic, I want to work out more, start going out and seeing people, have more of a social life. . .but those are all things that I can change when I want to. . .WHEN IT IS TIME.

Right now? I am content to raise my kids, finish my degree, scrap by, and remain. . .the Mother of all umbrellas.

Shalom- Shavoa Tov

The End of All things. . .

Yummy!

Well, ok, the end of somethings. . .but well, who can resist a good LOTR quote? Certainly not me!


So- about the dissertation. . .good and bad, yin and yang, yay and nay. . .here goes;

The person I was hoping to have on my committee. . .who has said she was open, became closed over the time it took me to get ready to ask her. . .bummer, but Plan B is ok too, and will probably be a better option. . .that's what I keep telling myself anyway!


My printer died, and I am so broke I cannot pay attention. . .so, I am hoping that everyone who wants things from me is willing to print it out for me. . .my birthday is coming, but I am expecting presents that will hang on my frig, not buy a printer. . .:) I am guessing a LOT of turkey hands. . .and some leaves. . .my kids know how much I love fall!

FINALLY everyone is done being sick. . .AND we got the flu shots taken care of too. . .yay me! Dentist appointments next. . .man, going to the dentist sure has changed since I was a kid- I will post some of the pictures from the trip- the office is tricked out CRAZY!!

Here under the umbrella- we are holding our own- hope you all are doing the same!

^%&%$ Disney!

The REAL story is 'unhappily ever after?'

Sigh, maybe, but this poster is a blues chaser for sure! Winter's cold turned to snow today-

Kids- Over the top crazy excited to see it

Me- Supportive and nurturing to the excited kids. . .on the outside. Dreading slippery roads, 2 lane highways, and suicidal deer. . .

Being a grown up

Blessing and curse!

Rock ON Monday!!! :)

Polar Opposites. . .I know

one is North Pole, one is South. . .and bad, bad, BAD PhotoShop. . .but I laughed my fool head off with this one. . .

Reflections and Good Thoughts

Off the Boston Harbor- Salem Ferry

I hope the time has now come to move on, for me anyway, and continue to work toward goals locally, nationally and globally.

Having finally outed myself on matters political and social, and grateful to those who will still call themselves my friends- I hope that everyone can go from here with a bit more understanding and acceptance, myself included.

Time will tell, of course, but the lessons learned, along with the lessons yet to come, make it all worthwhile.

Thanks to all of you who are on this jouney with my family and I. . .the ride is that much better with you all here.

Shalom, Chaverim!

Fire Storm for the Rainmom

Crushing defeat, abject horror, and an impending sense of doom and the stench of failure. . .ok, not that bad, but GOTTENYU, I am tired!! I am getting about 3 hours of sleep a night- with a few all nighters already into the mix. . .I am hoping to get "away" from it all soon- but we will see, I have had NO help in the parenting department since this summer. . .burnout!!!

About school;

The prelim path is going very well- now at the stage where I am ready to get documents, namely my reading lists, to the proper people, for the purpose of getting my questions. . .and then. . .oh then sweeeeeeet archival research if I pass them!!! I am practically drooling over the whole idea of 2 archives to delve into. . . but of COURSE Box 53 from the Sinai Collection will be my first love. . .:)

Another "bake ahead" day tomorrow- I will try to get pictures. On the menu for the week; Meatballs in tomato and also in brown sauce over whole grain noodles, Chicken "mess" a huge favorite, and lasagna, veggie "meat" and gooey cheese. . .yum!

Baked goods include apple and cherry pies, 4 whole wheat loaves of bread, rolls, and of COURSE brownies!

Love how the house smells on Sunday nights!

The other side of the 60s

So- in conversations and in e mails, and in hate mail and in all sorts of ways, some people have been asking me, in various forms, and with vast differences in approach and content-

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOU THIS ELECTION?????????

I wish there was another way of explaining this to people- but there is not- the answers my friends, are blowing in the winds of change- so here is the 'reason'

I am a 2nd generation American on my dad's side. His mother came here at 17, and my dad was the first son of the family born in America, and was the model assimilated American. . . to a degree, he was very committed to being a good Jew, but to be a good American, was a key goal, and my siblings and I were raised with that reverence and respect for this country held by people like my dad.

Also, with that experience, my Savta had first hand memories of pogroms, violence against Jews in her homeland, the Ukraine and those stories were not science fiction, not in a galaxy far far away, they were my family's recent history. Google Jews in the Ukraine. . .if you dare.

My dad grew up on the other side of the 60s- the side that so many people tend to revile almost automatically, and demonize as well. My dad fought 2 tours, voluntarily, in Viet Nam as a proud member of the USMC. He learned English, he worked hard, he taught my siblings and I about hard work, sacrifice, hard knocks, and the importance of freedom for all, even those who disagreed with you, but also was thankful for the protection of those rights for everyone, even Jews like his family. Such a far cry from the stereotype Jew ala Seinfeld or Crystal, Spielberg. . .my dad's life story is the stuff Spielberg would write about. . .if he knew about it.

Anyhow-

He taught me to be honest, generous, and he did all of this despite the havoc his mental condition wreaked on our family life. I used to concentrate on all of the things he did wrong, this election showed me what he did right. He stood up for what he believed in, he did not care what people said about him, as long as it was the truth, and his ENTIRE life was spent trying to do his country proud, because he appreciated what a great place America is and was- despite the flaws, and imperfections.

So, to this election- I had really had about enough. I had been encouraged early on to pursue a degree in Sociology by a few of my professors. I thought it would be a great field to explore as well as one that would be open to a vast diversity of ideas and members. Multiculturalism was a very intriguing idea, and I thought that after a lifetime spent in search of an environment where a Midwest born, observant, intermarried, Zionist Jewish mother with the goal of tikkun olam, repairing the world, I had finally found a place where I belonged. . .

Not-

Quite the opposite. My gender was still an issue, when the biggest slacker in my cohort was excused from open house for his D.J. gig and I was told that my "lack of child care was not a valid reason for avoiding my contractual obligations" (yes, Laura, I am STILL bitter- even more so!) I knew that this was not really a brave new world I was entering.

When people would come to me and say "I just do not know HOW you do it" and when they would see that I did better in classes than they did, and mutter to each other about how I was getting breaks for being a mom- when people would look at me and say "well, if YOU can do this school thing, I sure can" and say it often, well, I knew I was still in the same old same old. . .

My religion was not REALLY problem. . .my observance kind of was (most, if not all workshops, conferences, forums etc. held on Saturdays) and well the Zionism? Huge problem. . .unless I was willing to "admit that Israel was to blame". . .which I was not ( I do not buy the "victim hood" status of Hamas and Hiz b' Alla) and so on.

I was shocked at the situation I entered- realized that in order to survive I would have to pretty much keep things like my belief certain things on the down low. And for the most part it was pretty easy to do that, as nothing really got me too angry. . .until the election 2008 disaster.

I will say this right off- I do not give a SHIT what you think about Palin as PERSON. . . NO ONE has the right to do what was done to this woman in this election, period.

What ever do I mean??? This is what I MEAN- the mass e mailed lies and invented "breaking news" the use of the word cunt, the hanging of her effigy from a house, the sexist questions about her clothes, her motherhood issues. . .and the worst? That academics I know and who I sat with in classes, that routinely bemoan the lack of substance or research in their students papers were at the HEAD OF THE PACK on this. . .and it was a real eye opener. That you disagreed with her POLITICALLY was one thing, and there were many debates that could have kept it civil, and on task- but that is not how it went, and the cheering jeering mob attacks on her family, including a Down Syndrome infant were the epitome of hypocracy and an epiphany of sorts. I had assumed that I was an equal in the cohort, in the field, even if I disagreed. It was a shock to discover that equality may have been a myth all along for people like me. . .I will not join a movement to "turn the tables" on a group of people demonized for decades, I will not join the witch hunt.

The kicker- If Obama was in a class of mine, and he handed in his C.V. for grad school and it looked like his campaign- he would not have gone anywhere, period. There would have been no chance in hell of getting into school, of any kind, yet he got the presidency. No transcripts, no LSATS, no previous writing samples, nothing for admission to a college, no way would he get a spot in a freshman class, or a job anywhere. . . .except the Oval Office. After 8 years of attacking someone for being a "stupid, clueless evil monster" we have now elected an intellectual enigma. . .the man behind the curtain remains to be seen, but his friends are sure scary to this Jewish mom. The concentration camp nightmares I had as a child have returned- only now, my children and I are there. . .and I face my greatest fear- the "I do not know WHAT I would have done during the Shoah" question comes to my dreams every night for answers. Nightmares of my father. . .and his family. I am unsure why this has happened, maybe the blind faith and the complete lack of reality checks about Obama- and the behavior of some of his supporters, the questions about his ties to Ayers, secert talks with Hamas, and his weak support of Israel. . .who knows? It is there now- these dreams of being with my children in the camps, and the terror that wakes me up night after night. . .

In addition, his relationships with Ayers and Wright, and the way that people asking questions about his record were wantonly labeled "racist" was a deal killer. The label of "racist" is a stigma of the most vile kind when used as a way of shutting down a debate or discussion. . .this is what happened to me this election.

I was raised by parents on the other side of the 60s, and this election revealed the cracks in the facade of "tolerance"- screw tolerance. From now on, I want equality and acceptance, even if you do not approve of me. I have the right to be who I am, as much as anyone.

That is what happened to me this election- I stopped pretending that it was ok for me to be tolerated- it is time for acceptance. If that is what this election was supposed to be about, that should be no problem. . .as I have vowed to accept the results of this election, period.

So, long story long, but maybe the hate mail will stop. . .now that I have explained it all.