Rainmom and life under the umbrella

Ahhh yes. . .

2011-12-21T14:36:00.002-06:00

Hello. . .I am going to try to blog more, I really think that there is something I get from blogging that just is not possible on Facebook.

Things under the umbrella are holding steady- I have been documenting my holiday misadventures, so hopefully you can see that while Christmas 2.0 was improved over the past one. . .I am still a rookie on it:)

One of the things I am focused on now is my dissertation. . .it is a both burden and blessing, and after initial setbacks, you know the usual mindset I have that I should be an expert first time out, and a steady diet of humble pie(no really, try sitting across from someone less than half your age and know he is a better writer than you. . .not enough whipped cream in the WORLD to sweeten that up!) I am hoping to have the rest done very soon.

I am eating, breathing, sleeping and all other biological functions this dissertation. . .and will keep you posted.

The kids are well-we had birthdaypalooza- Cocoa turned 10, Precious 12, and KIA will be a whopping 22 years old on New Year's Eve. . .

more later

Poor neglected Blog

2011-09-14T19:42:00.002-05:00

I have been silent- but with good and well, sort of sucky, reasons. Bullet points as I have a chapter of my dissertation almost done, bringing the total to 2, and the introduction is almost done. . .

Kids are great- and I am hoping the school year is going to go well

I got sick again this summer, did an almost complete round of treatment, and feel much better now than I did in August, seriously, most of the month, up until about the last week or so, I felt totally awful

Not sure how I feel about the cooler weather this early

The puppy is doing fine, but he is HUGE

My family members in Florida are moving away from their crappy situation and will be much better off with a fresh start in a state that is not imploding. . .I am very happy

I am starting to get my credentials together for a real job. . .:)

Such stuff as dreams are made on- The Bard. . .

2011-07-31T22:33:00.002-05:00

Dreams- so much symbolism to them, yes? Of course yes, and yet what exactly are they? Who has them and do "they" every come true?

I would not presume to know how others feel, but I will be honest, I was and to theis day, still am a practical dreamer.

Practical in the sense that if I imagine something, and there is anyone else that needs to do something to make that dream reality, it is strictly second tier. Dreams that happen are the ones that depend on how willing you are to make them happen, and rely on an assessment of yourself. Properly applied, you can have a great deal of accuracy predicting which dreams come true and which ones are also ran.

Ah, but it is not a perfect method, because the wild card is always there, waiting to trump you, and leave you sputtering in helpless helplessness. . .cursing yourself for forgetting the first rule of dreaming- only dream big if you and you alone are the key success.

I admit, I was hoping against the cynical foundation that my dream machine is built upon, that just this once, I could actually count on someone. I was wrong.

While many may believe that they are living the dream, I am one who lives to dream, but only on my terms. . .

Cyber Crime- cruelest cut, viscious byte AKA How autocorrect killed my computer

2011-07-11T22:49:00.002-05:00

I vented a post or 1 ago that I wanted to kill/maim/punish my cell phone- calling out It who cannot/must not be named. . .aka autocorrect for ruining my life with its perverted and rather sick/gross sense of humor. . .
Autocorrect took vengeance today and killed my computer- put out a contract and my poor little VIAO now hibernates with the cyber fishes, taking the epic fail nap, the blue screen of death. . .you know the drill.
By most nefarious of collusion- autocorrect, with its replacing sweet kisses to my sweetie with the name of the former Pakistani president (MUAHS becomes Musharraf) texts HIGHLY inappropriate missives to both my children (hey did you have your math test today to my 13 year old became hey sis your ass smell good today, as well as a text telling my 17 year old that his dad was here was changed to your dad is heterosexual. My 26 year old was most blessed to get my message where I meant to ask him if he was eating out by himself, and autocorrect, the silly bitch, sent the question if he was eating himself) as well as my sweetie (when asking him if he was having a good time, autocorrect sent a text asking him to have an orgy), but I digress
Curse you autocorrect- you did contract with the Notorious WPL and did send an evil surge into my home, and killed my poor surge protected computer. Curse you Curse you. . .
RIP Stalwart VIAO- you will be avenged! Rest assured, I will find away to transplant your great cache of data, and I will have my work to date on my dissertation no matter what it takes. . .and in some subtle way, I will figure out how to honor your memory. . .sniff, sob, a pox on autocorrect!

Bad backs, Bad Karma, and heat oh my

2011-07-06T15:30:00.002-05:00

Not sure where to start- back out and in, kids are restless, I have so much work to do on every part of my life, school, house, life-and just when the lousy weather was looking to be my ally- it got hotter than anything we've seen so far, which leads the kids to want the beach. ALL.THE.TIME. . .
Ordinarily not a problem, but I have work, dissertation and oh yes, this bad back that makes sitting, walking, laying down, standing up, well, every move can feel like getting zapped with a cattle prod. . .so we wait on things and I just continue to work as much as I can.
Hope your summer is going well, and I am trying to do what I can to improve my kid's summer life- last year was so much more planned, this year summer feels like it snuck up on me, and now I'm flailing. . .sigh
Back to work. . .

Is temporary insanity a good defense when you want to kill your cell phone?

2011-06-28T13:27:00.002-05:00

I have a cell phone, and I can list a LOT of reasons why they are great- however, I can also list many reasons why I am plotting the demise of mine. . .and depending on the day, the methodology involved varies on degree of damage, from say a cracked screen to total destruction.

I plead insanity because autocorrect is provoking me in ways that defy description. Yes, there is a site, here that shows the merriment of such situations. . .but the emotions one feels when it actually happens to you. . .not really coming through. . .

I know now how the poor victims of autocorrect feel. When texting my son KIA about supper, I instructed him to put some "frozen piss" into the oven. . .yes, and when I attemped to correct my statement, the menu had changed once again, this time "fuckweazel" was to be placed in the oven (here is the best part) at a toasty 400 degrees for 15 minutes. Ummm yum?

Then my son Muffin age 17, was no where to be found so I texted him the message "Olga, are you heterosexual?" when I was asking him if he was here. . .yes, let the countdown to therapy begin!

Then when attempting a double message to each of the above mentioned sons at once, with a 7.5 degree of difficulty for women my age attached- I joyously told them "Fuck you" when I meant to say love you. . .then when I tried to say the phone was a pain in the ass, it autocorrected it to a pain in the aside. . .at which point, I carefully put the phone down. . .when all I wanted to do was rocket it across the room.

For now it is safe, I need it more than I can imagine. However-it should tread lightly. . .

Because I feel the need to show my kids are still doing ok:)

2011-06-27T18:53:00.003-05:00

Yay for throwing sharp things when you are 13

His mother's child- Rawk ON Butter!

Can you guess where we are? (hint look at Butter's headgear)

Arrrrrrrrr(another hint)

What?

Waking moments

2011-06-26T18:20:00.002-05:00

Yes- I am alive, actually doing well, but realize I need to be blogging more. No challenges no preset topics, just have to get back to using this blogs as I intended, to be complete.

I am glad to have such a great opportunity to learn, and I will share more with you in the future.

Goodness long time and wow people can really suck

2011-06-25T21:19:00.002-05:00

So, I love reading blogs from all over, and different topics and from diverse groups. I came across one that tried (ahem) to discuss the current push in SF to ban circumcision. . .yup- ban it, so Jewish mothers like me would be breaking the law if we practiced our religion and SF Jews will lose that freedom. One of the comments was very schadenfreude- talking about NY and the gay marriage issue- she said something along the lines of hey wonder how those Jews (Orthodox) feel. . .esp since they were against gay marriage. . .WTF???
Sorry but hypocrisy is an equal opportunity condition, don't bitch about not having rights then smirk when faced with another group losing theirs. . .really??? I tried to comment, but of course the debate was cut off(bahahaha yes pun intended) and since I respect bloggers I did not press the issue but DAMMIT- really? You are being denied rights and you try to tell me that having a group outside of yours lose rights is ok because some members of that group oppose you then to hell with their religious freedom????
Wow STFU with that nonsense!

May Day

2011-05-01T15:25:00.005-05:00

So much continues to happen- I live the life, but I cannot keep up with the changes at times, especially now- but since I am sick of bullet points, I will attempt to compose a lovely post. . .

The situation with my nieces has gotten worse- and it just may be that I am not going to be able to help- my sister in law attacked my relative while drunk and then when my brother pulled her off, she accused him of abusing her. She now wants a divorce so bringing the kids here may not be possible- since it would be over state lines, he is in Florida where I am thinking those girls will have to be half dead before the state takes them from their mom. . .we will wait and see.

Work is very good- I am making real progress on my dissertation, and have 5 interviews lined up with 3 more possible(one even has PICTURES) YAY- on the PA work, I admit I am having a lot of fun driving around town and remembering the information I gathered about certain areas. . .it is really amazing to see your work around you. . .

Life otherwise? Well, it is what it is, you do what you have to and make the best of it. I cannot say I am all in favor of a long distance marriage, but it really does make you appreciate the time you do spend together. . .

Passover was very VERY hard this year! I was not feeling the best, and matzah was not helping, since my issue was not related to a tummy issue(had that earlier) All I can say is that I am a Passover wimp and I feel that Matzah is truly the bread of affliction. . .

The kids are all doing well. Precious is just amazing and he will be in regular classes in middle school next year, he is just such a person now, his personality and his sense of humor are growing strong and he is just such a great kid.

Cocoa is looking forward to summer. She likes school, but hit the wall this year about "cursive" writing. . .she really can't sit still long enough to complete it and whines about it a LOT. . .I will be glad to not have to fight her for the summer:)

Butter is having a great year, and I am very sad that he will not move on to play next year. He has decided his musical days are over, and I can't push him, he did his best, but his heart is not in it, so I will let him move on. . .

Muffin is doing better, still conflicted, but better off than he was, I am glad to see him more relaxed and laughing more. . .

KIA- well, he is well, and I am very VERY proud of him:)

As for the times we live in, all I can say is WOW and OUCH and Daaaamn- I never thought I would see the day that people would actualy drive less when gas prices shot up this high. . .maybe we are on to something:)

More later. . .

Deviance and Bliss

2011-04-12T22:33:00.003-05:00

So, I have been missing lately, there are good reasons so let's get to it shall we? Ok, first and probably most important(you will freak when you see the other points) I have IRB approval and I am ready to go! I have 6 yes SIX people who want to talk to me. . .and I am thrilled. The Archives yield such awesome stuff, and I am just loving my dissertation. . . how much you ask? Enough to relegate my MARRIAGE/Elopement to second place. I make no apologies. I have been on this quest to get this degree longer than I've known him, so bah, it works. Yes, I got married- it made sense, he will be living with me soon(no, you read that right, we have not lived together yet) and well, to be honest, I am concerned. I have spent a LOT of time becoming who I am. . .me I Ema. I have made choices, done things made plans, and know now that while I am glad, of course, that I chose to marry him, I realize there are still many areas for concern. He is in his hometown in order to secure custody of his child. So we live 131 miles apart. Gas prices and money as it is, we meet about once a month. Sometimes twice(yay Christmas) and well, it was working well(no really in one way it was) The way it was working is this, I realize that after 4 years of calling my own shots. . .I am wondering about having someone around all.the.time. Do not get me wrong, he is awesome, and so chill and sweet, but at the end of the day I am. . .not. I NEED my leave me alone to work my tail off and crank the tunes times. The "OMG this is an amazing piece of history" moments. . .oh oh, SOOOOO hope I have not forgotten what it means to be a "couple." I am worried, I admit. I am so damn close to this, and wonder if I have it in me to be a "wife" right now. . .yes I know shitty timing but well, there it is, true to form. I know I want to be a wife, but can I be a wife? Hmmmm, I know from our conversations that he gets the quirks of me- the "leave me the hell alone I can do this myself" me. What I wonder is if he can be husband to such a wife. . .I think he can, but as I get better and G-d forbid as I decline healthwise, I wonder. . .am I ready to let myself trust someone to help? Yoda, my beloved advisor, has shown me many MANY times that she has my best interests at heart as I get this degree. Mz. Zz has too, as has Laura and many others. . .so has he but funny I find myself asking "to what end?" He knows my job search goes national in less than a year, he says he understands that in light of his custody battle(he had primary sole physical placement, the mom has hours to visit 2 days a week, no overnights because of her life partner choice) but does he know that when(see not if, WHEN) I get a job my kids and I are gone. . .and he has to decide if he comes with or if he can. . .he says he does, we have discussed it at length, but well, if I told you he was supposed to be moved in BEFORE the wedding, would that clue you in about the situation(he is still not moved in remember btw) So- in lieu of more whining I give this open letter to the strong souls of the world- It is hard to be a strong soul in a weak world. Do not give in to the idea that you NEED anyone, be strong. And if someone does venture in, slowly, take it easy and see how you do. . .and know I understand. I understand the wish the hope that some day you will have someone to share your work and all it's passion with, in minute detail. Hold out, stay the course and wait for someone who fits the bill- I could have had a number of people in my life- but in the end I had to realize and to decide on things, and well, they did not make the cut. Not family, but people who, for on reason or another, could not did not inspire in me the will to make them a part of life. I know you will wonder- as I do, can I handle NOT being alone. For as much as I wanted to share life with someone, there is a certain pride and dare I say purpose to knowing and remembering you can really only rely on yourself. . .but it is a lonely life- and as I read the Facebook pages of my friends, I see how much even the most independent of friends can and do have a life with someone they love- and I became aware of this idea of "lonely." I was always a HUGE fan of alone time, still am and plan on having it daily. But lonely is having a world to share and no one in it, I could tell the kids, but to what end? So as I saw my friends and their lives, I was aware that I did want to have such a thing. . .and here we are Strong Souls- we will always be strong, and while I admit to a certain degree of pride in fighting my illness and my life alone, savoring each rise from relapse and such as a victory, I have to say that I am hoping the future will be bright, and the path a bit smoother. . .hope for a strong soul.

So, yes a few things

2011-03-08T11:18:00.002-06:00

Well, it seems the family situation is getting finalized, with an estimated June arrival for my nieces- who will be 9 and 3 by then. . .sheesh. The oldest niece will be going to her bio dad, so that will be one more adjustment- just call us the Adjustment family. . .that is all my little family and I do these days!

More adjustments- I am planning an October wedding, yes after finally trusting that this guy is really up for the task, and understands in terrible detail, what it means to be around a sick person. . .the unfortunate details like nosebleeds that are epic, and oh yes spitting up blood and oh the wonderful events associate with a pIc line. . .infections and occlusions. . .well, he earned it- so I said yes, and the rest as they say is history, or no, wait, it will be future:)

The kids are cycling sick now- stomach bug and all- just want spring to arrive, so sick of the snow and cold. . .

In final news, our puppy is insane. Casey is doing well keeping him in his place and I am getting him fixed at the end of the month. . .until then, he is a terror:)

Will post pics later- have been sick myself so nothing really to report. . .

Back. . .sort of

2011-02-08T16:02:00.002-06:00

Green Bay PACKERS SUPER BOWL CHAMPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, it has been awhile, but well, it has been busy and hectic and while things are not quite settled down, if I wait for that to happen I will never blog again so- bullets it is,

Having so many kids and so many things to take of, it makes perfect sense that I would add a 4 month old puppy into the mix right? I am such an idiot. He is sassy and perfect for the house, and well, we will see. . .

I have a brother who has a wife who is unwell. He also has 2 daughters, ages 8 and 3. He is also unwell. I am being asked to take in my nieces until further notice. Ummm oh oh. I have not given an answer, but there really is no other answer than yes. . .I have the room, and it is family so I will take them in after spring break unless another solution presents itself. There was help there, but she is now very ill with an auto immune disease, and cannot be there for the kids.

Work and school are the same I am back in the Archives and very happy. . .oh and see above for some really happy news

Good news and a lot of work done!

2011-01-03T21:47:00.003-06:00

Doctor's visit went very well, and I have a ton of work to show for the past few weeks. I am feeling tired, which is usual. . .but the icky feeling is getting better, just need to get energy back. . .

News and such. . .

2011-01-02T12:53:00.001-06:00

Kids back to school and doctor's appointment tomorrow. . .hoping for a lot of good news. . .will settle for any good news:)

:)

Make this the year

2011-01-01T14:25:00.003-06:00

That you really make peace with the past, no matter what it is. . .and concentrate on your future
That you accept yourself for who and what you are
That you try to spend less time running yourself down, and more time assessing your strengths
That you dare to dream big and act on them
That you muffle that voice of doubt and finally accept that you DO belong. . .and live like you do
That you Rock what you've got, and ignore the ones who would rob you of that right
That you embrace your life and all of the issues within it- live your life full throttle
That you mkae yourself happy too
That you let go of pain and let in peace
That you fight hard no matter what
That you find you

Happy 2011:) From Under the umbrella

KIA

2010-12-31T21:22:00.003-06:00

21 years ago, I had the child that made all things possible- no I know I had Gambit already. . .let me explain-
You, my KIA, invented the child centered way of raising a child. You demanded equal say and you said from the get go HEY. . .I WANT IN ON THIS. . .and I gave it to you.
You ate real food before you had a tooth in your head. You believed every single thought you had was REAL. . .and we both laugh when we think of me, 4 months pregnant with your brother, dragging you off that roof because you had tied a pillowcase to your back and were sure you could FLY. . .OMG KIA wow here we are. . .
21 and ready to take on theoworld, so independent, so strong and so YOU. . .and I could not be prouder of the man you are now. . .
Happy birthday KIA I love you:)

And the closing of the year. . .

2010-12-29T19:48:00.002-06:00

What a wonderful chill holiday it has been so far under the umbrella- with Satan well distracted by his psychotic chew toys. . .i.e. willing and submissive types plural, the kids and I have been in Heaven. . .he has been so far gone and I could not be happier. . .I could feel better, but I am happy, and that is so cool.

I had the health issue crop up again, and while it was thought I would be ok until January, I ended up having to get treatment before that date- I am happy to report that I feel ok- well, it is not unlike the first trimester of pregnancy if you were unlucky enough to have morning sickness. I had all day sickness with all of mine, and it lasted well into the 2nd trimester. My babies are helping me with this part because a lot of what helped with them helps now:)

I was scared, for sure, when the bloodwork went ill, it was such a shock because I had been doing so well, and dammit I refuse to give in now, even thought I will tell you that I was sorely tempted to just say the to hell with it. . .and throw up my hands. . .ex was being a jerk (why the hell can he always tell when I am at my worst and THEN he messes with me, his latest? He wants to quit his job and travel the world. . .go ahead. . .oh wait you have the insurance for the kids you asshole!) OMG I have to say, for all the harshing I did on Martha, I have to say, the food was so cool- I could not afford a lot of gifts, especially after Hanukhah, but it was the food that did it, homemade fudge, pumpkin bread, cut out cookies, Russian tea cakes, peanut clusters, peanut butter blossom cookies, chocolate pie, cranberry bread, homemade spaghetti and meatballs(tofurkey shhhhhh) and in the stockings, warm mittens and socks, jammies and robes and warm clothes that the kids were so glad to get. . .it was a great holiday and we had a wonderful time under the umbrella.

KIA is 21 on Friday- I will report as I can:)

Happy Christmas Martha:)

2010-12-26T15:03:00.003-06:00

We had a magical holiday under the umbrella. . .for all the right reasons!

In case it is my last snow storm. . .

2010-12-12T16:51:00.002-06:00

My beautiful daughter

Snow angel

I face planted in a snow bank, was telling her I still had snow in my EAR:)

Hanukkah Memories

2010-12-09T11:56:00.005-06:00

Such faces:)

How Martha Stewart almost killed my family

2010-12-09T11:46:00.002-06:00

Ok- not really but she would have been complicit. . .

Ok, those of you who know me in real life know that I have to do the ACTUAL Christmas this year. . .not like the poser Christmas I wrote about here, but the actual this is the only one you are getting so let’s make it amazing Jew Mom event. Ok- so in order to get a handle on this event, I have been asking some of you about your traditions and your likes and what IS the one thing you ACTUALLY have to have or always wished you had to make a “real” Christmas. (Ok, my Sociologists- yes I know in the purest sense I could accept the fact that it is again a social construct and that even lighting the Menorah could be acceptable, but in the spirit of the season, I decided to suspend my sociological assumptions and went totally native) The consensus was that many either had a real tree in their traditions or wanted one or said pine was the smell of the season. . .I could add a few other smells to this idea of smelling like Christmas, but again in the SPIRIT of the season. . .I decided to venture forth and CUT DOWN MY OWN TREE. . .oh yes, I said it I went there. . .me, who gets paper cuts that could cause me to bleed out, yes I was going to grab a saw and have at it. . .found the tree farm a mere 15 miles down the road. . .oh happy day. . .oh that road is an INTERSTATE but hey a road is a road, right? Of course right. . .

So away we went, with my trust pack of bungee cords, since my initial attempt to get a real tree ended abruptly when I was told that real trees do not fold nicely to fit in your Elantra. For whatever reason, I never thought about the LOGISTICS of getting the tree home. . .thought the hard part was finding the PERFECT TREE. . .I was wrong.

It had snowed a bit, and it was just pretty enough to look a lot like Christmas. . .oh and it was cold. Children who had run to the car to get to the tree farm had experienced an intense 180 degree shift/turn. . .it happened when we got out of the car in the middle of a field and the wind made its presence known. . .my hardy junior lumberjack and jill were not interested in getting into the wagon to ride to the place where we would cut the tree down. . .the smell of hot apple cider made them gravitate toward the heated barn, and so came the first issue of the day, to chop, or not to chop? Truth be told, I was not looking forward to handling a saw. . .dead serious about the paper cut bleed out thing. . .so when I saw a stack of pre cut trees waiting to be examined, the issue seemed deliciously solved. Got the Juniors set, while Precious and I went to look at the trees. . .and well, it was pretty easy, we found one right away, and while I had actually measured the room in which I was setting up the tree, I had left the numbers at home and decided to eyeball it. . .and well, did I mention that I am short, so everything looks tall to me, and it tends to lead to several disasters? I didn’t? Well, here is one on the way.

The kids are sipping the their cider, while I purchase said tree and with some help from the Happy Tree Boy, I get it attached to my car roof and then, go get the kids. On the way out of the barn, Cocoa gets her fingers slammed in the door, and well, this was the best part of the trip home- because once they see the tree attached to the car, neither one of them want to get in it. Both Butter and Cocoa will only get in the car if I tell them in my best I’m-your-mom-and-I-will-get-you-home voice to get in and we will have an adventure. . .or a disaster or both.

I am 2 seconds away from the tree farm when Butter wails from the back that the tree is moving. . .in a tone of voice that implies he feels the tree, like a Zombie, in on its way in to eat his brain. Sitting in the front seat next to me, my usually sunshiny except when her fingers are squished daughter is looking up at the tree which extends a few fee in front of us and adds her cries of alarm, convinced the tree will strike quickly and without mercy, drawn by the scent of her bloody fingers. In an alarming turn of events I am now the Optimistic one in the car. . .Gottenyu!

I am 5 seconds away from the tree farm when I pull over to check the tree. It is fine. I drive a few more feet and the wailing begins again. . .Butter is near tears and BEGGS me to check. . .which I do. 15 miles from home might turn into a 7 hour dive home, I could have carried it home faster. Of course, this is on a nice country road, tractors are lapping us as I make my way to the interstate. . .and all HELL breaks loose in my car.

Jack and Jill, the cider buzz now gone, are about to pass out as the car reaches a whopping 37 MPH. . .with about 40 more miles to increase (yes I speed) but in deference to their panic stricken faces, I resolve to keep it under 70MPH. . .yes you are welcome, children, Happy Christmas (they say that in Great Britain)

Butter is hyperventilating in the back as he begs me to check the tree. Having done so many times, I agree, and pull to the side. This time, I notice the tree HAS shifted, and I take off my gloves and adjust it. Here is where Martha is liable, in looking at her advice, she said the needles should be strong and not break off easily. . .unless they are embedded in your flesh. In other words, you have a great choice if the needles on your tree draw blood, I was successful.

Here is the OTHER thing Martha forgot to tell me. . .SAP is sticky, and when you get it on your hands you should probably not try to drive a stick shift car after putting your hand in a big puddle of it. Yes, driving down I43, with my shifting hand STUCK TO THE STEERING WHEEL BY SAP AND MY FINGERS STUCK TOGETHER. . .BLOODY HELL. . .and there is my daughter in the front seat, watching me try to do just that and asking helpfully if I should try to use my other hand to shift. . .ummmm hey is that a deer over there?

We finally get it home, yes, and I finally rip my hand off the wheel, and feel a sense of excitement. I got a tree, no need to cut anything and while the drive home was messed up- we could now enjoy the bounty of the hunt. . .all 14 feet of it in my 9 foot dining room.

What fresh hell is this? I spoke too soon- I now have to cut the tree trunk. . .and I have only a hatchet, no saw. As I stand on my front porch chopping and swearing I notice that the school across the street is having their Christmas craft show, and that spilling across my front lawn and sidewalk, I am giving small children profanity lessons their parents are actually taking notes, I apparently made up a few, supercalifagilisticfuckingchristmastree is mine forever. I mute my potty mouth and continue to chop- when Muffin finds a saw and I finish the job, eager to get this set up aaaaaaaand. . .still. . .too. . .tall. . .

DAMMIT. . .but wait, ok- the top of the tree looks “crooked” and needs “trimming” done and done. . .ta DA it fits!

And that is how Martha Stewart almost killed my family.

Chag Samach!

2010-11-30T16:31:00.001-06:00

More to come on this very unique and off kilter holiday season under the umbrella:)

Flowers born in Change

2010-11-29T22:51:00.005-06:00

Beloved Cocoa,

On this birthday, a big girl who's 9, I have decided to tell you a little secret about that thing you and I share, both being born in November, today, I will explain to you the strength behind being a November woman.

It takes a strong flower to be born in the gap between seasons, especially the gap between fall and winter. The days offer a number of options, rain, snow, cold maybe warmth, a flower born in this month, the month of November, is a strong plant indeed. The mum is our flower, and you will not find a stronger flower for the month of change that this. A variety of colors means November women can choose among the options, for the hue that suits them. You and I both favor the strong red color of our plant.

We are like those flowers, Cocoa. You and I, were born in a month that is about change, about loss, and also about promise. We have Thanksgiving in our month, where we are so lucky to have a day to remember what is truly right with our world. We have Veteran's Day, with more remembering for the sacrifice for us from those who gave so much so we could have what we do in our lives. Your grandpas all served, and served proudly.

Cocoa, because of your strength, and because of your status as a November woman, you will weather any and all changes that come your way. You will be so strong, you will have so much to choose from and you will not fear change, because change is at the very center of your life. Our birth month is change, life is change, and as long as you can see that strength of the November birthday that you share with me, you will always be linked to me, in a way that is different than other moms and daughters who do not have the luck of having their birthdays a week apart.

I am a part of your month, I carried you to this month to have you at this time, in this month, to be a fellow November woman. I give you my strength, and the ability to embrace change. I love you and happy 9th birthday.

Love Mom

Weeks. . .

2010-11-26T17:22:00.003-06:00

The Eve of Darkness

2010-11-21T23:37:00.003-06:00

I will have a birthday tomorrow- 11-22, and for others this is a day of what? Dinners out maybe a gift or something else, but under the umbrella, it is of course, not that simple.
It is here, on the Eve of my birthday that the seeds of who I am today were sown, when I was 6, to be exact. It is events of my life that rule the day that is my birthday- and I have spent my life since that day, trying to make a life for myself beyond the events of that day. . .and beyond.
When you think of your birthday, imagine it as you do- a day to remark and to evaluate the path you are on and the directions you have taken or discarded- my life has made this day one of assessment- harsh, demanding and totally NOT the candle on the cupcake kind of time. . .the pain of this day cannot be underestimated, it was on this day that the seeds of my destruction were sown, and denied. My entire life has been spent trying to undo what this day has done to me- and I find myself at a place that makes my future so tenuous, and my resolve so weak.
I make the birthdays of my children so much a part of their lives- that they own their day the most amazing of social constructs- the day they began!
I do not have that for myself- I have been slotted to spend this day, 11-22, wondering if what I have made happen is enough to purge the past. . .this year. . . no
Lost my teaching job for a noble reason, but gone none the less. . .and a life in shambles- with remission no longer an accomplishment to cling to- I am lost and ready to implode.
So- in this regard my birthday, here under the umbrella will be a bit forced- the wonderful little humans will delight in their gifts of love and cards of caring- as I struggle with the legacy of what this day means to me as a human- not mom but as a separate entity. . .Darkness rules this day in my heart. . .but in the social construct of motherhood. . .all is well. . .

a most curious paradox

Witch Trials. . .

2010-11-10T23:26:00.002-06:00

Living the life of a terminal heretic. . .checking things off my bucket list as I go. . .I don't know maybe alarmist, maybe realist. . .but whatever it is. . .DAMN THE TORPEDOES! Game on!

If Mama PhD had asked

2010-10-19T22:26:00.003-05:00

It happened again- with the same results. For all of the education and all of the time spent trying to learn, the most basic of details can and does reveal all-

"I don't know how to pronounce that"

Yes, that's right, I have advanced degrees, and guess what- I have never HEARD that word spoken before!

Can I define it- yes! I can tell you EXACTLY what that word means. . .but I can't tell you what it sounds like! Can I use it properly in a sentence-yep, but I can't say it. . .

I am a product of my low class, no nonsense working class family, and they never EVER said that word!
Growing up in a home where women were destined to be mothers, advanced education was not part of the equation. . .I am a product of that place, of that time, and it seems that just when I think that I can be one of them. . .the educated. . .I look like SOUND like a complete idiot!
I am a teen mom grown up- heard the all the predictions- I would never be much, be on welfare (as we knew it) and would have a passel of kids. . .curlers if my hair was not so out of control curly. . .you get the point. . .yes that's right a TEEN mom. . .16 to be exact.
My path to being a doctoral student, now dissertator, has been most uncommon, and to try to pretend that I am one of you all is futile, and thanks to Star Trek, I can actually pronounce THAT word. . .among others. . . but does it matter?
I hope to get my degree, to be the end all be all of academic excellence, and to establish my place, but if I can't pronounce the words of my cohort, will I be one of you?
Sigh, I feel real, I feel like I belong, I have done all that I can to establish myself as someone who can and does understand the ACT words of my field- agency, and interaction, the inner workings of the Elizabethan Poor Laws that provide the foundation for the struggles of people like me into the 21rst century. . .but do I belong? I hope so, I guess it remains to be seen. . .and I hope that with more interaction and more time, I can rattle off the words that plague my very life, those words of the privileged homes, of the kind that children, sons and daughters, are privy to from birth. . .I hope. . .
If I do not make it, there is hope, my 8 year old daughter told me today, "Mom I mean that literally, not just figuratively. . .it is real."
Yes, Cocoa, it is real, it is real to YOU and I am proud of you, you will be ready and you WILL belong in that world, even if I do not. . . .

600- the one that belongs to Lennox

2010-10-17T20:52:00.004-05:00

On the day you would have been born I remembered you

Fresh hell indeed

2010-10-01T17:53:00.002-05:00

This week made the one I had last week seem tame- How to put it all together?

Monday- Emergency Room for me- all the bells and whistles
Wed- More confirmation that I will not be adjuncting because I will not do it for free
Thursday- Back to the doctor for more fun
Today- worn out, feeling sick but now I have a handle on PA work and feel so much better!

Kids are amazing, and I am going to spend time with them now in the moment-

Shabbat SHALOM!

Oh what Fresh hell awaits in yonder inbox?

2010-09-16T19:54:00.003-05:00

The wonderful person who I was giving "feedback" to, yeah, him, well, he had the secretary contact me to ask permission to see my online schedule. . .hmmmmm
Again with the disrespectful approach of NOT contacting me personally. . .

Wow. . .made me think of this post I did awhile back- scary it's even worse now than when I wrote this. . .

Yom Kippur Switch up

2010-09-16T16:59:00.003-05:00

Starting tomorrow, for a day, I will have a lot of time to reflect on the things I have done wrong the forgiveness I need to seek and the improvements that I need to make in my life for the coming year.

One thing I would like to do also is to thank those of you who may be reading this and fighting this battle with me. I am grateful for the ones that I know who read, and their support and friendship is so appreciated- Thank you and have a wonderful weekend.

Commuter's back and who has yours?

2010-09-16T16:42:00.002-05:00

Well, yes, bravado and bluster for the start of fall semester meant jumping in at Mach 10 with my hair on fire- and yes, already I have been singed.

Driving more this semester, which means a bit more pressure on my barely functional lower back- previous trauma and lack of ability to follow doctor's orders (bed rest (!!!), therapy, massages 3 times a week at least. . lolz) means it is pretty much one of those "at any given moment" type things- as in "at any given moment" (read the worst possible timing) it can just go out- which it did this week- hip felt like it was level with my ear, walking crooked, and well, you get the point. Thought it was better, until today, trying to get out of the car, and I could. not. move. Literally, could not stand, could not sit back in the car- felt like my back had locked at my hips and I was stuck there.

Yes, it hurt, it really did, but the worst part was. . .I had no one here to call for help. I hate being reminded of how alone I am, and how much if I do fail for any reason in any of my duties or responsibilities that there will be no back up, there will be no looking up to see the Roharim at the hilltop no Shadowfax, no Gandalph, just orcs and Sauron's eye waiting for you to fail and fall.

Stood there for what seemed like hours, and lowered myself to the concrete and crawled a bit, got a bit better. . .long story short, having a bad back with no one to have your back is just sad.

High Holidays and High expectations

2010-09-14T00:00:00.001-05:00

Brief. . .but so topical

2010-09-12T16:35:00.003-05:00

Reminded of the post here- especially with an interesting turn of events by way of an e mail about the possibility of a. . .BOOK. . .ummm really? I have to go back to my actual work- however, very topical and a never ending battle with society and reality I give you this archive item to chew on while I try to find time to update:)

Tashlich. .

2010-09-06T23:21:00.003-05:00

Just as fish may be caught in a fisherman's net, so, too, we are caught in the net of judgment. . .

At the Lake with Precious today- to begin getting ready for the High Holidays. . .and into the lake we cast our doubts, fears, baggage and all of the heavy burdens fromt he past year- guilt, shanme, anger, depression, illness and self pity all went into the lake. . .and we face this new year ready for better, stronger, and much more peace and tranquility. . .G0d Willing. . .

Leshanah tovah tikateiv veteichateim, "May you be inscribed and sealed for a good year."

Amazing. . .and yes STILL autistic. . .grrr

2010-09-05T13:43:00.003-05:00

So- school started this week, and we are off to a GREAT start here under the umbrella. . .all of us are hip deep into our respective school years, with the exception of some new staff members at Precious's school who feel that with the proper Behavior Modifications we could "cure" him. . .really???? Ummmmmmm. . . .k. . .next question. . .grrrrrr
Though I am totally feeling like I am sinking up to my neck. . .I am glad to be making progress toward graduation. . .

I met with my AIS, Amazing, Insightful Sage (aka Yoda) about my path to graduation and we have it carved out with a May 2012 grad date, a March 2012 defense to shoot for and all sorts of wonderful deadlines that work so well for me, I love having that due date!

So- A LOT of work to do, with only a few fun things planned for the next few months. . .work and a bit of play, then MORE work. . .GAME ON FALL 2010~

Anti reply

2010-08-31T19:18:00.001-05:00

Dear Ms. Rianmom

Once again, thank you for your feedback.

Regards,

Rianmom???

Really?

And that will be the end of it

Fall semester w00t!

His reply-

2010-08-30T17:22:00.002-05:00

"Dear Rainmom-

Thank you for your feedback."

Ummm yeah. . . and then this;

Dear Rainmom-

This semester SOC 100 will be presented as each of the sociology instructors have created his/her own syllabus. Planning for the spring semester will include an opportunity for the sociology faculty to decide collective on the student learning outcomes and how those outcomes will be measured in the liberal arts core.

It is the intention for the SOC 100 courses to have the identical student learning outcomes and method(s) of measuring those outcomes based on the criteria in the liberal arts core. If you do not want to participate in this discussion that is fine. Nevertheless, a syllabus will be developed that is consistent across all sections of SOC 100 and one that is compatible with the student learning outcomes and assessment process."

And I said-

"First- as you should be able to tell from my signature on all the e mails you received from me thus far, my name is now Ms. Rainmom, please make a note of it, as I have legally changed it and have filed the proper documentation with HR. So, Ms. Rainmom it is. . .
Second- I never said I did not want to participate in such discussions, I only said that as adjuncts, we are not paid in the summer, so if you wanted us to work on this as a team, we should have been offered jobs for the summer. May is the end date for our spring contracts, there is no more compensation after spring semester ends without a new contract, so June, July and most of August would be unpaid time without a new contract. For you to say I did not want to be part of this process was quite off the mark and puzzles me greatly. I want to be paid for my work, period. I regret that is such a conflicted issue.
I respectfully disagree with your assessment of my position on this matter. I believe that adjuncts are paid such small stipends because their responsibilities are limited to teaching duties. This is a development issue, time consuming and would be in addition to the instruction time for my sections. I love teaching, and wish I could make a living at it at PNTS, get paid a living wage, with health insurance, which I do not have right now. I would welcome the chance to take on new responsibilities like this, but need to be paid for my work.
In conclusion, I respectfully request that you take note of my actual position on this matter, which is I am currently paid a small sum to teach, I would love to assist you in this development endeavor, however, because I am the single parent of 6, I need to be paid for my time in accordance with PNTS commitment to social justice and fair wages. In my mind, and hopefully yours, that commitment includes adjuncts like me.

Respectfully,
Rainmom"

Game ON!!!

My reply to the situation at hand. . .

2010-08-30T11:28:00.002-05:00

"I am confused as well. In the 5 years I have been working for PNTS*, I have never collaborated on any aspect of my class with any of the other sociology faculty, especially since there have been changes in who is teaching what classes over the course of those years. I understand the need for a core curriculum, but in my time at PNTS*that was treated as a map for the goals of the class, not a blueprint for all instructors to follow. Each instructor led their students to those goals using their own personal strengths in their classrooms, and at the end of each semester, each class took a unique path to the same destination- the amazing race to knowledge as it were. I know that there have been changes at the campus level, transitions and such, and that there has been an increase in interest about this course as a Liberal Arts core class- however, there was never any discussion about collaboration, much less any meetings between us scheduled by the SBS department, so I am very confused as to why you felt such a collaboration existed.

In addition, the path toward the outcome that you are describing involves a great deal more than what an adjunct's compensation covers, with those meetings and discussions and a lot of intensive writing, and as an adjunct, it is beyond what I am currently paid, and I just do not have the financial reserves to do this much work for free. As you recall, in May I emailed you about possible work for the summer, due to the fact I lost funding for my research due to budget cuts, this would have been a fine opportunity for someone like me to have, especially since I plan on teaching after I earn my doctorate. I would have be more than willing to apply for it, and if given the job would have been happy to develop such a document as well as train new instructors in the process- much like I am helping with in my other job. As an adjunct, I am not paid over the summer, indeed I worked at McDonald's this summer to pay my bills, so I would have welcomed the chance to apply for this kind of job for the summer.

So, I admit to being as confused as you are about this issue. As I am supposed to be in class teaching this course at 9:05am in 2 days, I would appreciate an update on this situation as soon as you are able."

Stay tuned. . . .

*Peanuts;)

What do you have?

2010-08-29T14:37:00.002-05:00

Bracing for the inevitable, hoping for the best, dreading the worst, and in the end, realize that there are so few moments in life that are absolute bliss- and savor them all as much as possible?

So, Friday, I sent my syllabus to the department, and the other adjunct did the same, the third one never responded. And I got the following e mail back from the department head-
"I am confused about the syllabus for SOC 100. I assume all the students enrolled in SOC 100 for fall 2010 have the same syllabus, same learning outcomes, same assignments, and same grading points. Is this the case? If not, it needs to be the case so the liberal arts assessment and the learning outcomes match from one section of SOC 100 to the next."

Assume- makes an ass out of u and me. . .
Spoke with the other adjuct and found out that she will use my syllabus, and I guess that is that. . .or is it?
You know me- probably not:) More on this later. . .

End of Summer Bliss

2010-08-24T19:56:00.002-05:00

Off to our monthy Cheetos and Full moon Lake walk. . .:)

Water for Chocolate, security over fidelity, fear over happiness and other lousy trade offs

2010-08-23T20:43:00.003-05:00

Always at the start of the Jewish New Year, I get these strange inspirations to write about topics that at first seem at odds-yet it is always about leaving behind the old year, and embracing the new possibilities, and my inability to let go of some of the more lasting effects of the past, that continue to wreck havoc on my present and cast doubt over my future.

That I am writing as I ponder love is quite new, as it has been a very long time since anything but maternal love has entered into my realm, and I have to be honest, for lack of a better term, it has been a most demanding of times. I have entered into a relationship that is up and down, high and low, amazing and frustrating. . .you get the point.

There is distance there is drama, and today, I just cried at how hard it is to do this love thing. It is easy to love my kids, even when they are at their worst, because at the end of the day, they are my kids, and well, I have that bond with them that supersedes any of the every day crap that would keep me from writing them off.

Romantic love is quite different, and I find myself almost clinical about the situation, though have refrained from plotting it out or running any regressions. . .controlling for variables is ONLY palatable in my romantic life. . .I know, weird!

To say I am happy with the situation, is for the most part true- however, recent events make me wonder how much longer a long distance relationship can last when you want to see someone every day and you can't, and when your work schedules make it impossible to be together, and you start to look at other couples, and there is something very much like the feeling you used to get when someone got the one thing you wanted and they were your BFF- you are at the core happy for them and their bliss- yet bitterness can also show up, brought on by the fact that you are lonely, and alone, and when you can't be together it is hard not to wonder if things will ever be better. I cannot fathom life without him, but I cannot stand the situation as it is. . .bitter sweet, love at a distance, water for the miracle that is chocolate- these are the harshest of trade offs:)

Other Odds and Ends. . .Oh the places you will go!

2010-08-21T14:47:00.003-05:00

So- As I reach the credit limit on my credit card, I am looking forward to to hopefully having health insurance again thank to my wonderful advisor and her efforts. . .cannot ever thank her enough for all the hard work she puts in for all her jobs, and yet finds time to help me as much as she does- Props to her!

Yes, you read that right, I have no insurance- but, sputter sputter. . .you are sick. . .yep I am. . .how can sick people NOT have insurance. . .wellllll you can read my dissertation in a year and find out:) Yes, I said a year:) Aiming high. . .

So, how did we spend summer vacation- On the Beach, pretty much. . .I had 2 trips which I already told you about, well except the Atlanta trip, that was actually kind of funny and well, offers one of THOSE moments- here is what I mean.

I became a flier late in life- just never went on plane trips as a kid. . .so when I started flying, a new airline was just starting out- Midwest. I had my first several flights on this airline- and from what I know now, totally spoiled by their original service. Room, food, and WINE, which I need when flying, no I NEED it really- medicinal purposes

So, when AirTran wanted to buy Midwest, I was totally against it, because I believed the hype. . .that they would "ruin" Midwest. . .I know now that Midwest ruined it, and that what is left in the place of what used to Midwest is not even an empty shell- it is a totally different animal(yes I went there, the new company's claim to fame? Animals on the tails of the planes. . .as opposed to "the best care in the air, you can now be "treated like the animal you are")

So, flew AirTran round trip to Atlanta. . .and it. was. awesome.

Friendly, efficient and really a good basic airline, which included radio on board, so cool. I stand corrected on AirTran, and wonder if Midwest would still be some semblance of itself had AirTran won that fight. . .

Cheetos Full Moon coming up along with a trip to Great America. . .all with tons of pic I'm sure and of course I will have to keep you posted on the job, the plot thickens as we speak. . .

T'Shuvah on my terms and a Tale of 2 departments

2010-08-21T12:33:00.004-05:00

Have been lax on blogging- health issues being the biggest offender, with 2 recent trips to the ER for some quick fix for the persistent blood issue that just won't go away. . .but I digress

FUNDING has landed, and not a moment too soon because I am ready to give one of my adjuncting gigs up and now I can. I am in love with with my first year student classes, and the people I work with in that department, but the other department? Farking hell!

I will explain- I am going to assume that most of you reading this understand what a syllabus is- and that it is no small feat to create and maintain one. The hardest part is always getting the first one done, with changes in the semester and policies, and all sorts of additions you are constantly crafting it, dare I say nurturing it and making it a part of your teaching, almost a partner in crime;)

Keep in mind the fall semester starts in 2 weeks as you read the next part- I got an e mail from the department secretary saying that the department head wanted my syllabus to look over (yes, he really DID go there. . .reminds me of grade school "go tell so and so that I don't want to talk to her") so I sent it, and heard nothing. . .until Friday- where this long cut and pasted e mail was sent to me and the other 2 sociology instructors that wanted us, in less that 2 weeks to ok I'll quote the e mail hang on

"In reviewing the past syllabi for SOC 100 it appears these syllabi provides the student very limited information as to what they will receive in class lectures and/or discussions. One of the syllabi (that's mine:)does include student learning outcomes (old term is course objectives) however the assignments within the course itself are not linked to any of the student learning outcomes."

Ok- this "chair" is one of the most unprofessional people I have ever had to deal with. . .and THAT is saying a lot. Loses his temper like a 2 year old at the drop of a hat, will not lower himself to e mail adjuncts, just not very effective and up until now, it has not been a problem. . .but NOW guess what he wants? Here I'll show you-

"I would respectfully(this means he KNOWS he fucked up and is clearly trying to play catch up) request the three of you discuss how you want to structure the SOC 100 course for the fall. In that discussion you will need to link the assignments to the student learning outcomes by identifying which assignment is linked to which outcome.

Ok- for those of you NOT familiar with the process of curriculum development. . .myself EFFING included, this means we, btw this e mail is dated August 10, 2010, have to meet, develop a core curriculum, and be on the same page. . .and submit that Theory of Relativity meets Constitution meets the TORAH. . .see, mission, rights, guidance, that's what the 3 documents represent, sorry getting worked up and analogy CRAZED. . .
Ok SUBMIT it by. . .ready. . .MONDAY AUGUST 23. . .
Holy SHIT, really? Gosh anything else you want with that? How about peace in Israel? How about the answer to the meaning of life (42 btw)

Well, I was in Atlanta for the ASA I left on the 12, so did not get back to him until this week when I sent him my syllabus and got this message on Friday

"Dear Sociology Faculty,

Please be in contact with each other to develop the SOC 100 syllabus."

Whaaa? No names used, no respect, and keep in mind this is 10 DAYS after he first contacted us, at the end of summer, RIGHT BEFORE THE FREAKING START. So, I emailed the other "staff" saying I felt it was not really enough time to do such a thing and got one reply back-

"the syllabus I have been using is pretty lengthy. When I get to a computer I will send you a copy. Since we all hav(sic) different instructional methods and do not have a pre-formatted curriculum, I, too, am at a loss. This is a very last-minute request for what I feel would emcompass (sic)almost complete revisions of our lesson plan."

HELL TO THE FUCK YA!

So remember there is still one "staff" who has yet to weigh in. . .and well hang on I'll quote
myself-

" I do it differently. To be blunt, I have no time for this at all, and cannot fathom why this was not brought to our attention sooner."

To which the other "staff" replied

"I agree with you. This is something that would take a curriculum development specialist several weeks to complete.Let's just add the final paragraphs that were suggested to each of ours and then forward them to the "chair" for his approval of each separately. I have no idea what 3rd staff does in his classes."

So to sum up- I got an e mail on the 10th of August to create a core curriculum for the class I am barely paid to teach (I make 3.87/hour, and that doesn't include the travel expenses because honestly I know at some prices I am losing money but love teaching). I am expected to do this for free, since it is not listed as one of my "contractual obligations" (ahhhh thanks Bill for giving me a chance to turn that term into my bitch, yes Laura STILL BITTER, reason can be summed up in a word and initial- Andy W.)

By the 20th of August, the "chair" is wondering where his new curriculum in the form of a common syllabus is. . .
soooooo, IN THE SPIRIT of Nickeled and Dimed the ACADEMIC version. . .all I can say is. . .not gonna do it and if you are going to make it part of my job you can pay me for it, and if you will not accept my syllabus as is for fall, you can teach the fucking classes yourself!

Contrast that with my OTHER department- that sent me to San Fran because they believed I would be able to assist the department in their goals. . .and have been nothing but supportive. . .it is like living in both Bizzaro and Superfriend world, at the same time, reality permeability just messing with me bad. . .

So- long story short, I am being asked to do months of work in 10 days, with no pay. . .business as usual in the adjuncting, along with no benefits, no respect, add no pay for lofty and unreasonable expectations. . .

Vouchers for a flight nevermore

2010-08-18T13:52:00.004-05:00

Ok- finally the STORY of why I will Not EVER NEVER EVER NEVERNEVER AND I MEAN NEVER fly Midwest/Frontier airlines AGAIN. . .

Got the opportunity of EPIC scale last month- an unfortunate event in the life of a boss meant I was off to San Fransisco for almost a week, staying in Berkeley, in a condo, meals paid for. . .and after the shoe drop roller coaster of last year and the GROWING discontent with my adjuncting gig in my Beloved former life, I was thrilled to be able to go. Shocked at how eay it was to arrange, and well, maybe that was the gather cloud bank that should have tipped me off, but no matter. . .Sunday I was at the airport and ready for my flight having stayed up all night because by the time I got the kids settled and started packing it was after Midnight, and well, I had to be up at 5am. . .here was my first Planes, Trains, and Automobiles moment. . . I actually said this to myself "ok, so maybe this is not a great idea, but I get on the plane, I sleep for 3 hours, get up when we land, and nap when I got to the condo after a wholesome Berkeley lunch. . ."
The flight was delayed due to engine trouble- and here is the best part, the new flight was not scheduled to TAKE OFF FROM MILWAUKEE until 10 minutes after my connecting flight in San Diego to San Fran took off.
So- now what? I approach the desk and Victor is CLEARLY not ready for any work yet- back to the desk watching the clouds (is that a bunny? no, it is a passenger being towed behind a plane by their ankles) and when he finally turns back, he has a very interesting look on his face, one I am not used to seeing in the customer service realm, I call it the FOAD- fuck off and die face. . .you know it when you see it, glare, sneer, curled lip, glint in the eyes DARES you to ask a question. . .but you know me, I went there-
Me- I am in need of some answers about my connecting flight
FOAD- I can't help you with anything now they are fixing the plane
Me- I know I am not asking you to go fix it faster, I am asking you about the flight I am going to miss because of the delay
FOAD- That connecting flight is on a different airline, I can't help you call them.
Me- But I am missing it BECAUSE of Midwest, and your rules say that if I am going to miss a flight due to mechanical failure, it IS a Midwest problem
FOAD- Let me check. . .nothing here until 6:30pm we could fly you to Boston and you could wait there and then send you to San Fran non stop. . .at 3pm (it is 8:35am CST)
Me- Whaaaa????
FOAD- You could wait in a change of scenery
Me- Trying to figure out if he is really saying this, determine that yes, he really is saying that flying in the OPPOSITE direction of where I need to go is an awesome thing and that it is weird that I am not jumping at the chance
FOAD-Well?
Me- I guess I will have to think about that. . .NO
FOAD- Well, if you are going to be a difficult bitch I can't help you
Me- UMMMMMMMM did you just go there?
FOAD- Well, if you would stop acting like one. . .
Me- Replaying the conversation in my head, looking for support, realize I was/am one because I am asking for him to help
Me- Excuse me for a moment Dials cell and reaches Midwest Customer service- explains situation told that Victor denies (?????) the exchange and that I was the one who refused to take the trip to BOSTON to get to San Fransisco Ummmm, and as she is telling me this she actually hears what she is saying and puts me on hold. . .
FOAD- Sees me on phone, gets call, glares, as an official comes on the scene, in time to see the look. . .
Me-looking rather smug
Official looking person- You can hang up now, I have everything set.
Me- ???
Official person-You are on the 6:30pm flight, here is a "meal voucher" (clearly they do not pay for their meals in the airport because the meal turns out to be a bottle of water and a cup of coffee, all the voucher pays for) and a voucher for 200 dollars.
Me- Ok Thank you
Official person. . .LEAVES, with not even a good bye!

Me- looking at flight board- sees the "6:30pm" flight has been DELAYED. . .until "TBD" which is code for "whenever the hell we take off" find out that there is only ONE plane and it is going to San Diego, then coming back, then back out to San Fransisco. . .

Ok, no sleep remember? Scared that if I sleep I will miss the flight and well, dammit they are NOT gonna get away with it, so I stayed up. . .and yessssss finally got on the plane. . .at 9:45 pm CST. . .and got another 100 dollar voucher. . .
Anyone want to fly Midwest?
Oh, and the cookie was stale and not baked on board. . .deal breaker, ya totally;)
Put a RAVEN on the damn plane, Frontier, Nevermore. . .

How it happened

2010-07-25T13:16:00.005-05:00

Ended up going to San Fransisco for a few days last week, kind of a weird sense of how things can happen. . .

In my adjucting, which may or may not be ending, long story, in one department, I was lucky enough to teach a class of first year students about the art of critical thinking. . .and really loved it. I have always felt so badly that in many of the classes I taught, I could not spend more time with those students who needed more help to keep up. Did the best I could, still felt like it was not enough. . .

The class I taught last fall was awesome because that time was built into the course, and it was some of the best learning I had, the students taught me a lot and I am hoping I helped them. . .

So, anyway, after a meeting the director pulled me aside and asked if I could take her place at the conference, and well, I did decide to go.

It was AMAZING. . .nothing short of it, and I was so grateful for the opportunity. . .learned a lot, and was so happy to meet people from all walks of life, just amazing. . .

The trip itself was not without issues, and OH YES a blog post will tell all. . .

Of food pantries and fast food

2010-07-12T12:43:00.003-05:00

Literally collapsed and had to quit the Arches- when both KIA and Muffin did not keep their promises to be up witht he kids when I slept during the day. Best laid plans I guess. What was supposed to be me getting home at 4am started to be 4:30, then 5am starting at 10pm with no break meant I was on my feet for 7-8 hours and no break, no rest, and for the most part no food or water, though eventually I just started taking water and keeping it in the break room. . .then the perfect storm hit-

We had literally days of rain and night of thunder, and Precious started getting up at 4, 4:30, 5am when I was getting home. A few nights he was up and awake when I got home, which meant that I did not get any sleep. The older boys were going to bed at 3am, and sleeping until 2pm- and as I tried to wake them up and make them fulfill their promises, they would sleep and not watch the kids. So I stayed up and tried to make do on maybe 2 hours of sleep a day. . .which lasted for about a week and a half, and my health crashed MUCH to the dismay of my doctor who told me flat out that to continue to do so put me at risk for too much drama. . .so I am now unemployed and totally dependent on whatever the ex allows to happen. . .yay

Went to the food pantry on Saturday, and was able to get some cold cereal for the kids, and some bread. That was about all that was left, the line was soooo long and it was clear that they were really trying hard to make sure everyone who showed up got something, there were packaged dinners and mac and cheese, but so many other families looked so much more desperate, the cold cereal and the bread would have to be enough.

It is so hard to be at this point, totally at the mercy of the ex and his earning. If he quits I have nothing, and I'm so trying to keep him from finding out about this turn of events. . .

Just hoping and praying things change for the better soon, my bathroom floor and not the walls are falling apart, literally and I am not sure how I'm going to keep the kids fed much less repair these things. . .between health and finances. . .sheesh!

On the plus side- things with the kids are going well, and we have been having an awesome summer so far. Memberships mean that the places we go do not cost anyting and we are having a great time!

The Best 4th EVER!!!!!!!!

2010-07-04T19:54:00.003-05:00

Me and KIA

KIA

Muffin and Me

Cocoa and I

My baby grill. . .no not a typo a pet name:)

We had an AMAZING 4th of July hope you did too. . .we are broke, we are uncertain, but we are happy and fed. . .a good way to be no matter what:)

The past week

2010-07-04T12:05:00.003-05:00

Off to a great start!

2010-07-02T14:46:00.003-05:00

w00t! Let the weekend begin!!!!!!!

Big plans

2010-07-02T11:43:00.001-05:00

4th cookout weather is supposed to shine on us, oh so hope so- off for shopping and getting things ready for the holiday weekend. . .pics to follow after the festivities:)

June Close

2010-06-27T15:04:00.003-05:00

Rain, rain and MORE rain. . .made June almost a wash. . .until yesterday's Strawberry festival. . .what a great time we had!

Struggle

2010-06-16T14:49:00.001-05:00

Trying to bridge the world of the waking and the world of the not awake. . .bridge the gap between my work schedule and life schedule- especially with summer now here. . .hoping for the best. . .

Happy Birthday Butter

2010-06-10T23:13:00.005-05:00

Dear Butter-,

OMG- 12??? Born on the anniversary of the Israeli victory in the 6 Day War, you make my day with your smile and those twinkling brown eyes. You are fearless and practical and your help over the past year has been a literal life saver, game changer and all other cliches. You are the most amazing kid, and it is with great pride that I point to you and say "that one, over there, THAT is MY SON" whenever anyone asks me which one is mine. Your 6th grade year was incredible, Student of the month, straight As and you RAWKED the Spring String Concert on the heels of your solo in the Winter show. . .so glad you love the violin, it is my favorite instrument and so proud you use my first one to learn on!

Of all the kids in our family, it is you that tweaks my heart in such a unique way. You go from high to low in a snap, and recover at your own pace. You cannot for the life of you ever be happy with second place, nor can you tolerate the learning process. . .you make me wonder what my advisors thought of me, and still do think of me, with that drive to be an instant expert and to understand that to take advice from others is a great thing, not proof of any shortcoming of yours.

Your sense of humor is dry, your wit is SO subtle and awesome, and you have a memory that cannot be believed. . .:)You are my mini me, my cutie pie and make the best damn coffee in the world, FIE Starbucks et al. . .

Happy birthday my brown eyed boy, and know that you are amazing, awesome and outstanding, just because you are Butter! And thank you for the special dispensation of being able to hug you after your strike bowling today. . .it meant a lot to hug you, young man!

Love you and sooooooo proud to call myself,

Butter's Mom

The past few days. . .for Cocoa

2010-06-05T17:59:00.003-05:00

One of those days. . .

2010-06-05T16:56:00.003-05:00

Raining, kids restless, mom not feeling well and wanting to rest-unmovable object, meet irresistible force. . .and may the force be with you:)

Three more weeks until

2010-06-03T23:15:00.001-05:00

STRAWBERRY FEST- sooooo excited I just KNOW the kids will love it:)

Chain of Fools Redux

2010-06-03T17:59:00.003-05:00

Thanks to years of neglect by the one who was supposed to fix it, and years of illness and poverty by the one left behind to fix it, I am losing my bathroom floor to water damage. After extensive research and cautionary tales from TLC, HGTV, and Make it Right Mike, I thought I was ready to find someone to fix my floor. I called every number in the book, and of the 20 people I spoke with, only 3 passed muster to be invited to submit a bid. . .and OMG wow.

Handyman Number 1. . .total and complete EWWWWW with a side of WTF? He had be ready to run at hello, when I extended my hand to shake his and he SLID IS HAND UP MY ARM TO MY SHOULDER. . .ummm, next. . . .

Handyman Number 2. . .ahhhh yes, the is one was all nice and very eager to get me to sign a contract right away. Asked him about his references, and he seemed offended, acted like I had breached some norm. . .and when I asked him his on time completion percentage, and overrun on costs he WINKED and told me that he had NEVER had a problem working out deals for those who found added costs to their projects. . .excuse me?

Handyman Number 3- would not talk to me directly, wanted to leave the details to "my husband" when I told him I did not have one he said "well then why don't you just let me worry about the details and I'll tell you how much it will cost to do what needs to be done. . .little lady wink and HEAD PAT" OMG- wow wow wow. . .all that was missing was the part where he led me back to the kitchen and put a pan in my hand to make supper. . .

So, dear blog readers, we now will have to see. . .Am I up for this- HELL to the no, will I have to be. . .oh ya:)

Almost summer

2010-06-02T17:03:00.005-05:00

And the schedule is SET. . .yay yay yay

Butter and Cocoa-
Monday- Zumba Dance, playground group, swimming lessons
Tuesday- Tennis, playground group, swim
Wed- playground group, swim
Thursday- Tennis, playground, swim
Friday- Playground group

Precious
Monday- Friday CAMP and swiming lessons!

All have the weekend off to go on day trips, the library or just stay home and hang out. . .and here is the list of things I am set to do with them

Baseball game
Irish Fest
Italian Fest
Strawberry Days
Fish Days
Greek fest
Bastille Day
German Fest
MAYBE Summerfest, though that is usually my mom fun. . .so much for kids there, it always makes me feel bad to not have them with me.
Got free tickets to the Dells for 2 so maybe head there in August, I have never been to the Dells. . .just saying.
Atlanta in August and all sorts of at home projects to finish. . oh speaking of which, when I have more time I will post about the "handyman" incident. . .grrrrr

Sunday cookouts continue, with shiskabobs on deck for this weekend, and yet another pathetic attempt to grill fish:) Will also be roasting corn and veggies this week:)

Yes, I still work the Arches. . .it will be ok:)

Top 10 reasons to not like Barbara's book

2010-05-31T15:08:00.002-05:00

10. The assumption that there is a "F U" moment in the life of someone like me working these jobs, and those she studied who were on the job. Her complete cluelessness about the connection between the way we live our lives and the gratitude we have for jobs bugs me. I have been working for pay since I was 10 years old, outside of the home, babysitting not included. I picked fruit, and did odd jobs on farms and also cleaned houses and hotels and truck stops from the time I was 10, and this doesn't include caring for my own house or my siblings or sick parents. People like me, who have had to contribute to the family wages do not look at jobs that pay money with the same disdain she does, to assume we are looking for the moment we can leave friends and coworkers like she did in Florida to stick to the corporation made me mad. Real relationships grow from these jobs, and the connection is strong, and is very important. As long as we are grateful for the work, we will do the jobs, and not have the time or energy to wax poetic about the day we can tell the job to go screw.
9. Her refusal to go without a car. OMG what a huge piece of the puzzle that is! You want to really understand the mechanics of trying to live a life in a world that runs on cars without one. . .or a household with more than one working adult and only 1 car and different shifts to keep kids out of daycare. . .holy crap she's too good to go without a car, single and no kids???
8. Her total cave on the heath care issue. In the midst of her skin rash emergency, she quickly activated her Master status of upper middle class and cured herself pronto. Sorry Babs- keeping it real is not about calling your DERMATOLOGIST in Florida for help. . .just saying
7. The fact she did not attempt to understand her coworkers more by interacting with them- no mention of coffee dates, or any other kind of weekend activity, her time off was spent alone. . .and in the real world, we wage workers actually hang out and socialize, and dare I say BOND? The book may have reflected a much more nuanced perspective if she had actually looked at the lives OUTSIDE of work.
6. The pity. Most of us are strong, with the trials and tribulations that led to us being seen as downtrodden nickled and dimed maids, servers and retail workers making us shun anyone who is fake or imagines they are schooling us in the way the real world works. Holly is not the way she is because she's in Maine, she is that way because only someone who has a life and upbringing like she did will be in a position to be pregnant, sick and bullied by her husband to get to work anyway. There is a LIFESTYLE to those of us who have these jobs, and THAT is what you should be looking at. . .
5. Her weakness, despite her belief that she is strong. She caved at the first sign of trouble- skin allergy, her tips not making rent, and that is something that could have led to an in with her coworkers. . .asking for help, seeing her in need would have possibly introduced her to a whole new facet of how we live. . .one that I know quite well. . .
4. That George's fate is unknown.
3. That after she comes to the conclusion that Holly is pregnant and near starvation. . .she tries to lead a revolt that could get them fired- wow REALLY? Based on her departure from Florida, I can only imagine what would have happened if Holly had lost her job because Babs got her to stand up to Ted. Should they be earning more? Sure- can they go without wages while waiting for that raise? HELL to the no!
2. Not many of the people I worked with allotted themselves with downtime, and many showed a lot of initiative when it came to job seeking. . .the complaint she had in Maine about how it was too late to go job hunting after hours did not ring true, and also, many of us network amongst ourselves for family members and friends- who knows better about gigs in the realm of wage workers that us? Her assumption that we are closed off from the world around us was a huge downfall in my opinion.
1. The premise of the book did not match up with her actions. She wanted to understand us. . .but not quite be one of us, and when things went down, well we looked stupid. The exchange with Holly is most illustrative of this disconnect. . .Holly, in her inflections and the description of her by Barbara, is not educated, asks to have words spelled for her, and by extension, her refusal to risk her job to follow someone she doesn't know(and who is working under her authority, remember Holly was a team leader) is perceived as. . .stupid. Barbara doesn't describe a world she studied, she editorializes it, and the workers are sometimes found wanting and dealt with harshly for their refusal to SEE things THE WAY THEY ARE in REAL LIFE. . .Barbara, these people were not playing, and you never ever got that. . .it is your main flaw, you treated them like lab experiments after a certain point. . .because you could I guess. . .

Another amazing day!

2010-05-30T23:51:00.003-05:00

Had another amazing day today:)

Did the lawn, and got 3 of the boys hair cuts. . .sooooo cool to have that done in time for the start of summer:)

Went to the beach after lunch and enjoyed the fresh cool breezes and the awesome time together. Then home for our Sunday cook out complete with burgers, dogs and smores. . .what an awesome day!

Just one day to recover then finish school and plan a 12th birthday for Butter:)

At World's End. . .

2010-05-30T01:38:00.003-05:00

Someday I am SO gonna have someone special to share this with, LOUD and PROUD. . .I swear it!

Proud Owner of a new certificate. . .

2010-05-29T00:43:00.003-05:00

Most AMAZING day!

2010-05-29T00:18:00.001-05:00

Because sometimes a crappy job

2010-05-26T15:26:00.003-05:00

Can make you a rock star to your kids!

Why I don't like the book-Overview

2010-05-26T06:25:00.003-05:00

So- have been asked to elaborate on why I do not like THE book. . .and ok- to be honest and fair it is not really that much about methodology per se. . .don't get me wrong, it is pretty bad and drives me nuts as a scholar. . .
HOWEVER
That is not my real issue with this book. . .where to start, hmmmm
How about the premise? I was really surprised and well, kind of shocked by her approach to this research. The idea of dabbling into the world that I have occupied for the majority of my life kind of unnerved me. . .this idea that to understand poor people you had to pretend to be like them smacked of elitism that made me kind of feel defensive from the start. . .I felt the line in the sand between my white trash brethren and myself and her side. . .and that is probably the last thing in the world she planned- but her interaction/confrontation in Maine with the Maids illustrates that disconnect. I use Holly as an example- she is maybe in the early stages of pregnancy, and when she confided in Barbara that her husband made her go to work despite being dizzy and sick. . .do you really think it is just low wages that these workers have to deal with? It is ONE PART of the lives of people not getting by, and you know what? We have a totally different perspective about our jobs. . .one you totally cannot and do not understand. The work stoppage to get Holly to stop working? Really?? Like George in Key West, the Maids of Maine were going to have to live their lives as you saw them, for the foreseeable future. . .in that world you visited, the one I live my life in, you are the clueless one, but you wrote the book, so it is only YOUR perspective that counts. Never mind George, or Holly, or Melissa, or any of the others you met. . .and the diverse circumstances that brought them to work at Wal Mart, Maids or Jerry's. . .and that drove me nuts.
I will elaborate chapter by chapter later, gotta get babies off to school and get some sleep:)

For the Gentle man

2010-05-26T06:09:00.002-05:00

From the place I asked for you, a morning like no other, it is this morning, the one I shared with you. . .

Good morning. . .

Where eagles, angels and Barbara fear to tread. . .

2010-05-24T05:23:00.004-05:00

So, in looking at the past month, and remembering a certain book and how freaking mad it made me then- I decided to dust off that book and wow had forgotten just how many of the details of why I was so angered by her book.
First- research methodology. . .I know she's not an academic any more than Faludi is, but wow, it is just so glaring this far into my research at how flawed her book is, yet how many people tout it as research. . .
Second- her reliance on fast food and her refusal to work in it. I so would love to see what would happen if she actually stood a post with me at the Arches. . .or how I would be written about in her notes. . .what would my story be, hmmmm. . .and how would she fare if she had to live a life like mine? Kids, childcare, and all things mother related. . .would so like her to just try to live my life for a day.
Third- her conclusions, to this DAY years after reading it for the first time, that make me mad, specifically her assertion that by walking out of Jerry's in the middle of her "perfect storm" was not a major mistake, quite the opposite, she contends that she did a great job despite her age and severe overqualification for the jobs she took. . .to this day it irks me to think about being her coworker and having to deal with the fallout that would possibly affect business. . .but knowing what I know about the service industry, I am sure that all would have been forgiven and forgotten in time, the whole place being in chaos and she bails.
So feel an open letter coming on, but I hear babies ready to get up and get to school, and then mom gets to sleep:)

Cooking out on a Beautiful Afternoon/evening

2010-05-23T19:20:00.003-05:00

Being Silly

Fired up!

Chillaxing

So cute:)

Next week- CHICKEN! BBQ and marinated!

Living life and loving

2010-05-23T14:45:00.001-05:00

Yes the shots are blurry, but Gentle Man did the best he could from the floor with complete jerks all up in our faces. . .I had a chill amaing time ant Korn and almost got into a fight at Nickelback. . hmmmm. . .;)

Hmmmmmm

2010-05-19T16:48:00.003-05:00

Somewhere between these looks is the look I need for Nickelback. . .hmmmmmm

Foot steps. . .

2010-05-19T12:05:00.002-05:00

Love the first strawberries of the season over angelfood cake and bit of hot fudge sauce for the kids. . .

In the middle of a 4 day run 10pm-4am and really feeling the weight of it all. No break since I am only working 6 hours, and I can't use the bathroom when there is less than an hour left on my shift! So, I have to make it to the bathroom by 3am or wait until I get home. . .but @ 3am, the breakfast menu starts and the regulars start lining up, so it gets busy. . .sigh

Have Friday and Saturday off, then back on for 4 days. . .ahhh sleep and fun:)

ok, ok OK. . .Random facts

2010-05-17T01:37:00.002-05:00

Bowing to the pressure from several e mailed sources, here are 10 totally random facts about me-
10. I was on track to be a dancer until an untimely hockey related injury ended my dance career. . .open compound fracture of the left tibia, fibia AND femur. . .look up what an open fracture is. . .
9. I love to window shop
8. Pink is my favorite color
7. Popcorn is my favorite snack, milk chocolate my favorite dessert
6. The worst childhood memory is of being homeless- first living in the car for 2 years, then living on the street while pregnant with my oldest. . .not having a bed is the worst you would think, but to this DAY I would never ever frown on having a floor to sleep on, no blankets, as long as it is indoors, period, end of discussion. Indoors is GOLD.
5. I cannot function if I can't have music in my life every day.
4. I gave all my kids 2 middle names to make both sides of the family happy- which is what my family did. . .
3. My total guilty pleasure is the au jus that is the cheesy romantic male gesture of smoothing the hair away from the face of the tragic heroine. . .post cancer HAIR has been the thing and wow, that gesture melts me. . .
2. I am flirting with a red meat free life. . .but my oncologist and internist are harshing. . .
1. I am realizing that I have a lot more to me than I ever knew. . .

Pavement of our lives

2010-05-16T22:58:00.003-05:00

Soul wash

2010-05-16T12:42:00.003-05:00

If I ever wondered if I was in the right field, one that will captivate me for my entire life, all I have to do is go to a concert to reaffirm that I am in the right line of work.

The band I saw last night is part of the reason I can blog- the lead singer and I are like souls in some respects, and it is that similarity that draws me to the music they bring. The process that brings someone to self awareness takes on many forms, and for me, there was and is a soundtrack. . .and Korn is the band that symbolizes the start of the path.

I always wear the same thing to Korn, and each part of the outfit means something different-

Black nail polish sloppily applied= the darkness that has touched you

Black lipstick= The darnkess that has silenced you

Black eye shadow= The darkness you have seen

Sunglasses= The darkness around you that are escaping

Opened with my favorite song- one that just was my life, and it was all amazing from there. . .songs that allow for the release of pain and allow for the chance to move beyond it- Metal doesn't make me angry, it sets my anger free.

CinderRainmom

2010-05-15T16:04:00.002-05:00

Dear Wicked Steplife- I have cleaned the bathrooms, vacuumed the hall, stairs, bedrooms and living room. I have changed the spout on the upstairs shower, unclogged 2 sinks, baked for tomorrow's family day dipping party, done 3 loads of laundry, 2 loads of dishes, and scrubbed the kitchen floor. I folded laundry, put it away, annoyed 6 kids, in person and via text messages. I have run to the store picked up one kid from work, and have supper cooking. . .may I Please Go to the Ballroom tonight?;)

Review, preview and yay!

2010-05-14T16:06:00.002-05:00

Wow- what a WEEK. . .so much going on hard to keep it all straight! Kids are winding down from the school year, Butter is getting straight As in school and as a reward we will be taking a road day trip of his choice:)
Cocoa has a play date today, VERY exciting, she even made a list so she could keep track of all the fun she planned (ok SOOOOO my girl!) This list includes time to "sing" "play house" "dance" and "talk about how cute Joe Jonas is". . .so awesome this girl.
Muffin is counting the days till school is done, Precious is having issues I will discuss later, KIA is winding down his semester, and Gambit King is STILL in heaven I think over his birthday present. . .a DVD of a stand up routine he has been wanting for awhile, and it took me 4 months to find it!

Plans tonight, Korn tomorrow, and awesome fun with the kids on Sunday, yay yay yay!

The angel knows what your heart can't say

2010-05-13T15:17:00.002-05:00

The journey of a 1000 miles begins with a single step- the first step, and it is that one step that is so hard to take, and to not take back.

More than anything I want the steps I take to get me closer to a life free of so many of the things that were the normal part of my world. For the kids to have a life a bit more peaceful, a lot more secure and in doing that, I want to keep my mind where it belongs, in the future.

The angel knows what my mind has been thinking of, the sense of faux security that came with being under control, the way that tension was managed, the way the game was played and the way the life was lived, G-d help me, the other night after working until 4am and coming home to Precious in a full on meltdown and a sink full of dishes and more laundry. . .I wavered, OMG really you are totally thinking THAT?? I was not longing for that, remembering better times, I was imagining being able to anticipate things and knowing that I usually came through them ok eventually at that moment, as I tried to push myself to get Precious calmed down, get some cleaning done, and try not to just fall apart- I was thinking that in the past, I had a warning, I had an idea of when I would have to step up and get through, and with all of the bad news lately, school funding, job issues, lack of sleep and a total fear that I will never get to where I want to go. . .I panicked, and caught myself thinking about how well I used to be able to call it, down th the last detail, and could sometimes even avoid it altogether. . .not now.

Now is chaos, not in theory, but in life. I never know what I'm going to find in the mail, in my e mail, and it is wearing me down. . .and I am ashamed that in that instant, when my life was just a mess and I had been awake for 35 hours straight, and had more to do. . .I wondered if I was going to make it. Weak, pathetic and tired, and thinking how the hell am I gonna do this? Then, I just did it. . .not sure how, and the house is never clean and the laundry is always unfolded now, but it is clean. . .and I start to think that I am not cut out for this, and that I was wrong to think that I could finish this after all. I was weak.

Face it or forget it? Guess which one I chose?

Tunnel vision becomes my enemy- the complete inability at times to see beyond my present time and place to a future where this is all not so bad, or somehow will get better, and as much as I try to think positive and as much as I want desperately to try to hang on to the hope of someday, being sick showed me that those somedays are not certain, and that this place, this time, this life might be as is, for the rest of your life, and I imagine that the doom predicted when this all began was coming true, the people and their coments and the chipping away of all that I thought I had gained. . .bit by bit the things I built were crumbling under the weight of my doubt.

Was never really sure what I felt about angels, not sure I do now, yet, there is something that came to me that morning as I was dealing with Precious and just rock bottom at the end of my rope and ready to just accept the epic fail option. . .

Someone knew

Can't say how or even if he knows that he was there, but he was and it was his voice I heard telling me it was ok, that someday mattered most when you believe in it, that waiting in someday was a lot more than what was here and now, and that someday would happen, if I didn't lose hope. Hope is the key, you have to have it. . .and I can't say I do have it in the same measure as many. . .however I understand the point.

Ending with-

Your Angel Knows

You live a life as best you can, and alone is never best

If you stray from a life well lived, you must complete the quest

To your place in the sun

Your angel will know, sense your struggle and offer you a way

A guiding light, follow the ray

To the help offered

The road will be long and you will want to turn back to the darkness that was your life

Fight that urge with your angel's help, love and care, use them as a knife

To cut through darkness and doubt

Someday is there, but the road is long, these things are always true

The journey will go faster and smooth, and the road will seem a brighter hue

If you look for your angel, standing right next to you

Heart in hand extended

Happy Birthday Punkin. . .

2010-05-11T17:41:00.002-05:00

Dear Gambit King, aka Punkin-
24 years ago today, my life changed forever, you made me a mom on Mother's Day. You were not due until June 22, but you were 6# 14oz anyway, and well, since you are now 6'4" I guess you were going to be the biggest preemie on the block;)

I am writing you to tell you that I am so proud of the man you have become , and how blessed I feel to be your mom. You have shown grace under fire, calm in the storm and you have made me realize just what you are made of- pure steel with enough give to bend slightly when you have to, and wow, that will serve you well in life!
You have finally seen that you have a voice, a place in the world outside, and that you are able to reach new heights, risk more and gain more as you grow into the life that is yours. You are amazing you are my first born, you are a source of love, admiration and pride and I love you.
I tried so hard to not put anything on you for the most part. I expected you to be strong, to be moral and caring, I wanted you to be a good person, and when it came to being happy- I wanted you to discover what made you happy, not what I could give you to bring you happiness. Being a teen mom, I was aware that people were wondering what kind of man you would be, what burdens or barriers you would face because I was not as old and as travelled and wise as older moms might have been, but Punkin, we did it didn't we? We got you to a place where you know who and what you are and that makes all the difference in the world. I know your life is not what you want but YOU own it, and you are getting ready to change it. . .and I AM SO PROUD OF YOU!
Happy Birthday, Gambit King- I love you.
Ema

Afternoon Tea

2010-05-10T15:39:00.003-05:00

This AND This and This

equals. . .YUMMY

Mother's Day 2010. . .RAWKED!!!!

2010-05-10T12:53:00.004-05:00

Panera after the Cemetary

Tomato Basil soup. . .

My first time lighting a grill. EVER. . .

Feast table. . .

Dancing on the porch to Michael Jackson's Beat it

Pounding the protein

First corn of the season

Muffin's look of approval

Grill Master

Keeping the Faith. . .and the look:)

Yes, steak, juice, soda, Zune and iPod. . .oh MY KIA is dating a Mac girl. . .shocka:)

S'more assembly. . .

Oh yes:)

We went to pay respects to some very special people, hit Panera for lunch and then headed home for the Mother of all BBQs. . .and it was awesome!!!! All my kids, no drama, just sunshine and food and MUSIC and fun and lots of laughing and dancing, usually in that order especially when mom was dancing:)

It got cold, so we headed in after sunset, and after hot showers, and some bedtime stories, all were asleep in very VERY short order, even Precious!

An amazing wonderful day with my puny humans!

Happy Mother's Day!

2010-05-09T22:19:00.001-05:00

Whole lot of amazing, with pics to prove it, but just too tired and cold to post them. . .will do so tomorow, and hope you all had a wonderful day!

On the future

2010-05-08T13:41:00.003-05:00

Bucket List revisions

1. Take kids on vacation by the ocean

2. Sky dive

3. Learn to ride a motorcycle

4. See the desert

5. Go to Vegas

6. Sleep on a boat

7. Go back to Ireland and London

8. Wear a really special dress for a party or something- like a gown even. . .

9. Take my grandkids to Disney

10. See a waterfall in real life. . .

Because I understand

2010-05-07T17:59:00.002-05:00

that it is important to say things that you assume others know, if for no other reason than to just affirm that knowledge, and also because sometimes we don't always have a clear understanding of what we have conveyed to others, I submit this-

Thanks to all of you who share this ride with me, you make it possible to face the every day life things that can sometimes feel overwhelming. Thanks for your understanding, your help, your wisdom and your laughter, thank you for making me feel less alone and for reminding me that there is a life out there for me. Thanks to all of you who keep reminding me to stop over thinking everything and who are slowly making it easier for me to trust and to be more open about things in life.

Thanks for all of your love, support, and above all, thanks for being my friends.

To my Gentle Man, and gentleman

2010-05-06T14:01:00.005-05:00

Dawn on Lake Michigan-2009

Was so glad to talk to you today, and start my day out with your sweetness. . .but have to ask. . .

Are you sure you want this? To even start down this path is going to be rough- you have a complete picture of what you are in for, I have told you how messed up everything is and that I will not blame you one bit if you take one look that this mess I call a life and say "no thanks."
Yes, I know I'm pushing you away again, ok? I am not used to this yet, I was just saying to my friend the other day I have NO IDEA how relationships are in real life, all I had was pretty messed up, and I am just now figuring out how the real world lives. Yet, when we talked on the phone all weekend, and texting this morning. . .all was well, wasn't it. . .:)

A life free of fear, that is a huge deal. . .and I am sorry if you feel like I am waiting for you to snap. . .I know I know, it's not fair to keep holding the past up to keep you away, but I am glad you are willing to give me time to get to the point where I can get past it all and live a Happy life. I know that my health is a concern, but really the drama makes me most crazy. . .and I know understand that, and I so appreciate all that you have done to be there and the strength you have given me, the time we have spent together shopping and having lunch with your parents was so normal and wonderful and just so cool!

Then more drama, and I have to say. . .
Can I BE painfully HONEST? I do not know why you are still wanting this relationship. . .I laid it all out for you in vivid detail, and really thought that you would sprint to the nearest exit. I was not prepared for you to want to hug me, and comfort me and ask me about my feelings. . .every single time I start to think about the past. . .your patience and your concern make me feel very secure when so much of my life makes me feel threatened. . .so if I looked at you funny at all, understand it is STILL just so shocking. . .on so many levels. Not bad, see, I have to get used to NICE shocks., aka pleasant surprises:)

So- what I am trying to say, my dear Gentle man, and gentleman, is yes, ok, deal, me too and we'll see:)

From the mouth of babes. . .

2010-05-06T09:51:00.002-05:00

I got a letter. . .

Dear Mom,
In school we are reading about heros. To me a hero is someone who I look up to and does nice things. You are my hero.
You are an example of my definition of a hero. I love your helpfulness, cheerfulness, and perserverence. You help me when I get stuck on homework. You cheer me up when I'm sad. When Precious doesn't do something you want him to, you never give up to get him to do it. Since you are my role model and do nice things for me, you are my hero. You have always been my hero and you always will be. I wonder if you know how much I appreciate everything you do for me. Thank you for being my hero.
Love Butter

More precious then riches, or education or fame,
To be a hero for a child and called by name

Thanks Butter, I so needed this today:)

Gravity owes me chicken. . .

2010-05-04T19:14:00.001-05:00

My daughter- retelling the horror of watching gravity extract the meat from her sandwich at lunch and hurl it to the floor in a wretched display of malice. . .made the above statement and I so love it. . .:)

It. Was. AWESOME.

2010-05-02T19:55:00.001-05:00

And I now have really busy Sundays in the future. . .Robin Hood, Iron Man, A-Team, yes totally!

Building my BAMF cred. . .

2010-05-02T15:29:00.003-05:00

My FIRST with ink that no one will actually see but I will know it's there. . .sooooo love my deviant act of getting a tattoo that only certain people see. . .
Gotta love my metal head kids who know I really do not like killing flowers, and it takes me forever to eat any kind of chocolate. . .except Reese's Peanut Butter cups. . .a true Mother's Day gift. . .:) Ticket to one of my favorite bands. . .yes thank you for really listening to me and knowing what I like, it means more than the money spent:)

Love you all

More from a happy yesterday

2010-05-02T12:28:00.002-05:00

So can't wait

2010-05-01T21:39:00.001-05:00

until 4:35 pm tomorrow. . .The Losers and I have a date. . .gotta love the solo movie going thing, more popcorn for me:)

Footsteps. . . .

2010-05-01T21:21:00.003-05:00

Today

Wishing

2010-04-30T15:01:00.003-05:00

that things would stablize a bit- thought I was going to pass out after my last class today, the feeling of just wanting to let go was so strong. . .

Kids are looking forward to the weekend, and I am doing the best I can to be both to them, looking for any reason to smile I guess. Feel like such a downer type person, but trying to pretend all is well, and making sure people who are trying to cheer me up are not disappointed. . .when I'm trying to convince myself to just get over it and move on, keep trying and failing.

So hoping that the weekend goes well. . .

About to. . .

2010-04-29T15:02:00.001-05:00

3 days. . . .5 hours, 38 minutes. . .

2010-04-29T11:19:00.002-05:00

Why do I want to see this movie so much??? Is it the title? That I sooo identify with the premise? Naaa, it's the tag line- "Anyone Else Would Be Dead By Now":)

I hope it doesn't suck, but hey, it has the actor who played Johnny Storm, my favorite of the Fantastic 4. . .sooo

FLAME ON:)

2010-04-29T08:58:00.002-05:00

it's hard to rely on my good intentions

when my head's full of things that i can't mention

seems i usually get things right

but i can't understand what i did last night

it's hard to rely on my own good senses

when i miss so much that requires attention

have to laugh at myself sometimes

and i can see that i'm not blind

there's little relief

give us reprieve

for all the things i've left behind

i'm positive that i'm not blind

i'm not afraid things won't get better

but it feels like this has gone on forever

you have to cry with your own blue tears

have to laugh with your own good cheer

it's hard to rely on my good intentions

when my head's full of things that i can't mention

seems i usually get things right

but i can't understand what i did last night

there's little relief

give us reprieve

imagining the world outside

i'm positive that i'm not blind

i can't be hard on you

'cause you know i've been there too

learned a lot of things from you

but life gives little relief

give us reprieve

and when everyone is cold as ice

i clinch my fists and close my eyes

imagining the world outside

but i can see that i'm not blind

Umbrella Ink

2010-04-28T22:10:00.003-05:00

Ok- I admit it, I have already picked out location and design for tattoo number 2. . .if you are special, you get both:) If you are my EXTRA special someone you might get to come with me. . .getting it done on my birthday which is months away, time to regain my strength and save up:)

Still Autistic

2010-04-28T22:01:00.002-05:00

Precious had is IEP along with his evaluation for continued services. . .and hey guess what, he's still autistic. . .shocka!

One part of these evaluations is the testing. . .and it is during this time that I get so frustrated with the standardized testing process. . .grrr

On paper, using these tests, he looks like a very disadvantaged child. He is right on the EDGE of being considered severely disabled. . .based on these test scores.

I realize so deeply and acutely that he and I adapt to one another seamlessly, and for the most part, I can read him well, and I WISH I could be part of the testing world for him.

Dammit I have been fighting for 8 years to get him adapted to the real world. Together we have make a life, a routine, a LANGUAGE together, and I have been acting as interpreter to his reality. . .translating from our language to the world and back. . .and even in this meeting, I asked them to contextualize things differently in hopes that maybe the next batch of tests will look more like him. . .but I am not holding my breath.

Precious, still autistic, still awesome, still under the umbrella. . .

One of my many weaknesses

2010-04-27T20:16:00.003-05:00

Ok, I have to 'fess up- I am prone to looking at things very clinically. . .and well, that usually works out for me, with one GLARING exception-

I am superstitious about one thing and it seems to be coming true. I will explain-

I lost my Star of David necklace, the first one I ever got. It is of major value in my psyche and my heart for many reasons. Pressed it to my mouth on so many occasions to ward off fear, pain, anxiety, alone or all at once. Kissed it in recognition of good fortune and success, and slept with my hand wrapped around it when I got the news that my health was looking up. . .you get the picture.

Since losing it awhile back, nothing has seemed right, and I am faced with my weakness again- I depend on material things that I give value to, instead of humans who could actually help. . .totally weird.

For example, when I went to the movie by myself, Clash of the Titans, and I felt so weird about being alone surrounded by all the couples and families. . .I reached for my necklace. . .and felt the loss again.

I know, I shouldn't put so much into it, but wow. . .

Going to see The Losers on Sunday, love the after lunch before supper time slot, and as long as I don't leave town, the older kids will babysit for a few hours. . .maybe I just need practice at this going alone to the movie thing, so that if I ever get to go with anyone again I will appreciate it:)