I will not even open this with any sort of greeting- you deserve none of the trappings of civility after yesterday, and from this time forward, you will not be mentioned, not even in passing. This is my place, my world, and you do not belong in it, not even indirectly, last night sealed that, set it in stone.
Still, oddly enough again as all of our special encounters have in the past, more and more I understand what drives this need to destroy me, in any way shape or form, this time though, without you realizing it, you ended more than you know.
Your words most of all brought clarity that I needed for so long, as you railed about how you "gave me a daughter, 6 kids" I finally understand why and how this all could be possible. You did not have kids WITH me, you saw them as means to show yourself to be a stud, a real man, especially when the first 5 were boys. They were not ever meant to be a part of who you really are, they were proxy for all that is really important to you, those things that make you seem like the MAN. I could not understand, never EVER DID I GET the fact that you treated me the way you did, and yet still considered yourself a good person. Anything you do on their behalf is to make you look good to the world.
I get it now, the word is appearances, it is what drives you, to appear to the world as who you want to be not, rather than who you are. . .and you do not see yourself as the parent of amazing kids, you see yourself as the giver of them. . .and that is what matters most to you. The rest, well, you are willing and able to play games and do things like you did yesterday, and the fact that I carried these kids and that I am their mother means NOTHING. . .because they are status symbols, not precious people to you. It is why you didn't care that the kids were right there, the only time you care about that is if I am asking you to please not do anything to hurt them, you don't want them to hear anything bad about you, but you have no problem teaching them that the way you "deal with mom" is acceptable. It is not, never has been and it ends now, finally.
You gritted your teeth and told me dead calm that there were and are plenty of women who "admire the qualities I have and appreciate them the way you never did"-of this I have no doubt. Especially those who will be willing to submit to you in ways I never could willingly. You repeated that you gave me "a daughter, six kids, a home, an education" OMG REALLY??? You gave me an education? I am assuming you speak of the education of who and what you really are, because GRAD SCHOOL IS MINE, and mine alone, you bastard.
I understand so much now, why you never once apologized, why you never ever said you were wrong, why you always acted as if it was all on me. . .simply because you do not believe that anything you have done was wrong. I am to blame, in your mind, if I had been the kind of wife I was supposed to be, you would have been the kind of husband that did not do these things. I did nothing right, not even the kids, because they were things you gave to me, not precious gifts we had together. Having children with you did not mean better treatment, I am not even at Baby mama status with you, these kids were chores to you, and now they stand it the way of your hip new life. As much as I hurt right now, I am much more aware of things than I was, and it makes all the difference.
Yes, you still have to power to end support. . .but I do not buy that for a minute, because I get it now- you are NEVER going to let me have anything to support what I know about you. . .not a shred of anything to show you to be anything less than an illusion of upright responsible person. . .and it is that fact that allows me to call your bluff.
Go ahead, quit your job, leave me and my kids to rough it alone. . .as long as you understand that first and foremost, I will make it. Second? Well, it will deal a bit of a blow to your image. . .and as you know, image is everything, right?
So ends your presence in my life in any way shape or form. If you ever do what you have to in order to see the kids I will deal with it, for now. . .we are at the end.
