My brain on prelims. . .with a side of toast. . .

OMG. . .I have melted 1/2 my brain. . .with the other half ready to jell. . .

It burns, it freezes!!!!!!

Many thanks to all who served. . .Honor, Duty, Faith

For my Marines, who represent all that was good and wonderful about my father and brother and his character. His pride, as a first generation American, was that he was able to be one of the the few and the proud. He was an honorable man, a Viet Nam vet, and above all, he was a man who used what the Corps taught him to raise his family. Semper Fi. . .

To my newer family member, the Navy- my brother is among your number, the first of my family to join this branch. I am proud of his service, and realized that, with the recent SEAL mission to rescue a captain, I have taken you all into my heart for the family you are. . .

And to my beloved Army, which has been home for members of my famly since WWII, bless you all-

To all who served, are serving, and are getting ready to enlist, I honor you today, and everyday. Words canot express how much your service has meant to my family, all I can say is, from the bottom of my heart, than you.

All without a net. . .

I am struggling- so much information so little space to fashin a response to the questions asked- I have already written and scrapped 3 versions. . .with a 4th to be started after posting this whine. . .

The thing is, I am at a loss to measure my answer in format, and to some extent, content. The example posted on the program web page is 12 pages long, including citations, 2 more than I am allotted, I am being held to 10- firm including citations.

I have a thesis statement for each of the questions, and support for my thesis in the responses, but I am struggling with a different demon, the demon of stand alone on my interpretations- which actually is harder than my former style, which was to emote about how the readings made me "feel" I would not go back to those days, but mercy, it is tough to go up with your work on the people you pick for your committee who really know the stuff-

What if I get slammed on the defense? What if I get a call saying not to bother to show up, the answers are drek?

Sigh, back to work. . .

Twilight and Shadow, smoke and ash

Ok- week 1 is over, and up until yesterday, I was in heaven. I really felt that thanks to a certain Grad class that came just in the nick of time. . .I was doing very well at getting at the heart of the poverty prelim question- using scrupulously selected texts to support my answer. . .

Then I went to Facebook. . .the hell of all things

Someone else was discussing their prelim answers. . .and their 50. . .yes 5-0 footnotes over 10 pages, for the record, I have 25 over 8 pages, having needed 2 pages for references. . .

50. . .really?

What to do what to do. . .not sure.

The grad school handbook says the answers should be original and not be just passages or ideas from books strung together. . .and I think I have done that. . .shit then why do I stress so? Because I STILL am waiting for someone to tap me on the shoulder and ask what I am doing there? Me, former low class, public school, teen mom, nontraditional college student, what the hell am I thinking??

Onward to the Jewish prelim rough draft- I am just gonna stick with my understanding of the assignment and defend the hell out of my answer. . .Hell yeah!

I am still alive but struggling. . .

I have too much to say and not enough room to say it. . .who would have thought. . .:)

So it begins

Prelim questions have landed- I am riding out to meet them. . .ready or not, here I come. . .

One more day

There on the hill by the water, on the shore

A prize only I can claim

The journey to claim beginning soon, just one day more

The demons of doubt mine to tame

The End of all things

So- we have an answer. . .to what was wrong with me. . .and well, I am surprised to say the least. . .

So- I was having the following issues with my health

Headaches from hell

Jaw pain

Neck pain

Pain in my chest and down both arms

Muscle pains and spasms in my face and neck

Severe upper back and shoulder pain-

Blood tests, 'grams of all kinds, all negative. . .until a radiologist read one of my x rays. . .and told me to go to my dentist. . .whaaaaa?

2 weeks later. . .I find I have severe TMD. . .my jaw is out of whack to such a degree that it is causing the majority of my symptoms. . .wow.

I also have a form for fibromyalgia. . .harmless and treatable without drugs- so very very very good news, finally. . .:)

Happy and relieved under the umbrella

Mothers Day Under the Umbrella

Making Supper- Butter

Climbing the Cargo Net

My Sweet Cocoa

At the museum

Beach Ball + Precious = AWESOME time on Mother's Day!

So- the best idea I could come up with for this weekend was a gift for myself and for the kids as well. . .and that was. . .The Weekend. . .with. . .no COMPUTER!!!!!!!!!!!!! dun dun DUUUUUUN

And it went well! My oldest son gave me. . .a gift card for. . .a 30 minute MASSAGE! Wow! Very VERY wonderful and as soon as I hand in my prelims AND defend??? I will go for it!

Some big weekend we had- KIA had his first poetry reading at the local coffee house, and he did great- he uses a lot of water/ocean depths kind of imagery, just like me!

Soccer game for Cocoa. . .VICTORY SCREECH!!! She won, and has come a lonnnng way from the little girl who picked flowers while tending the goal last fall. . .:)

And breakfast, lunch and supper made by little willing hands yum yum, I am raising good cooks!

It was a wonderful weekend- calm and relaxed- the deep breath before the plunge!

For my Mother's Day Baby

Pumpkin Baby-

23 years ago today, I became a mom, your mom, on Mother's Day. You were a month and a half early, but weighed 6 pounds and 14 ounces, and you were born at 12:19pm. . .some light hair, and a sweet disposition, you slept like an angel. . .which I never took for granted after your siblings came along. . .

Sweetheart, that day was just an amazing moment, and every year, it becomes more and more amazing- as you get older and older, and have kids of your own some day, you will realize what I am talking about, maybe you already do- but you will really REALLY understand once you hold that child, and wonder at who they will be-

I confess, I did not imagine what your would be as an adult, no dreams of being a doctor, or a lawyer, or some other frou frou job- I only imagined how you would be as a person, and you are, by far, one of the most polite and considerate men I have ever known in my family. Your intellect, and your humor, and your affection and love you show to us all, me and the kids, is so special and so wonderful, you give to us from your heart every day, and I am so very VERY proud of the man you are now.

I know I was a teenager when you were born, and I know that part of the fear I felt that day was that I was going to really suck at being a mom, and well, you and I both know that I made mistakes, a LOT of them, but over time, we began to understand one another, and from there, we have become better people. One thing I never doubted was my ability to love you, Gambit. You had my heart before you were born, and I never EVER worried about my capacity to love you. . .it was there waiting for you when you were born.

I was not perfect, I did not read parrenting books, and when you were a baby, you;

slept on your back
Ate creal at 4 months
ate eggs at 4 months
used a walker. . .with wheels
faced the front in your car seat
played on playgrounds that had. . .gasp. . .concrete and asphalt!
You wore clothes with buttons and had a bumper pad on your crib
I carried you everplace and took you everywhere with me
we explored Madison, Mendota, Green Bay, Milwaukee, and Appleton you were my trust co pilot in the passenger seat, and we went all over the place. . .you and me

Gambit, words really cannot express just how much I love you, my sweet first born son, the first and most special Mother's Day present I ever got. . .a beautiful sweet son who today, is a 23 year old man that makes me proud. . .every minute of every day!

Love you,

Ema

Countdown- 7 Days until. . .

First Contact. . .

Coast of Maine

Summer 2009 begins on June 25, 2009. . .after 4pm. . .until then it is still hard down semester. . .

Cannot wait until Michigan!

More Chuck Norris. . .

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.

Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.


In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.


Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.

The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.
Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.

Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.

Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.

AWESOME. . .:)

End of the semester, start of something good?

Let's get this summer STARTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They buried a child today

One who could not see the life ahead of him, only the fog of his day to day life- he saw pain, he saw fear, he saw things that those who loved him may never ever know, and it is their unending sorrow. . .this state of not knowing, that may be the hardest part of this all. . .this child, almost a man, loved, with friends and family, could not see the passing fancy of troubles. . .and acted accordingly.

Seeing the struggle of those left behind is the hardest, I have made a life out of fixing things, taking care of things, and trying to make people feel better, happy, and good about who they are. . .and in this case, I find I am unable to help, unable to fix it, and feel I fail those who may not be expecting me to, but who are hoping, were hoping, against all reason, that I could do SOMETHING. . .but I find I cannot. . .and it wounds me so much. . .

Watching the kids struggle to refer to their friend in the past tense, and seeing the tears in their eyes when they realize what they have said, catching themselves saying things like "this is just a bad dream" or "is this really real?" and the way their eyes remind me over and over. . .Mom, you have not fixed this yet. . .

I wish I could have helped this child, I wish so much that he could have been stopped- Rest in Peace, Jake, your family and friends miss you so much, and even me, someone who was incidentally a part of your life, will miss you, and think of you often.

You were loved, Jake, you are still loved.

Darkness and cloud

I rarely, if ever, spend much time trying to figure out why I am, or how I do, or who I want my kids to be- looking back, it was just not something my parents really spent time on. With our life the way it was, nothing mattered except how we, as a family, were going to get through the day, at some points, where we were going to sleep, how we were going to eat, present time and place took the majority of our attention, again as a group. I began working for money when I was 10- earning 1 dollar an hour as a babysitter, by the time I was 14, I was working at whatever jobs I could, picking produce in fields, lying about my age (this used to be really easy) and working in diners as a waitress or busing tables, or washing dishes. Summer "vacations" were really extended work hours and trying to build up a cushion of funds to get through the year. . .there was no "fun" and there was very little time for stopping to think if my life was dark, bereft of hope, or even wanting- retrospect being what it is, I now understand why I have made some of the parenting decisions I have. . .but I am nonetheless fascinated by those who engage in the daily pondering of their life direction, their path, their purpose, and most interestingly, their own sense of happiness and well being. The pursuit of a life of happiness is very foreign to me, well, in my experience, happiness was getting things done and surviving another day, so I cannot help but be interested in the way others think about this subject.

Friday, a young man took his life in the parking lot of his school- he was 17, smart, popular, had many close friends, a loving older brother, and a future that many would be so happy to look forward to, but he could not see it. This sweet, funny and sensitive young man could not see the passing darkness for what it was; passing clouds on the horizon of his life. He saw only the present dark, and felt that his life was just not worth living, that the darkness was the perpetual state of his life, rather than a passing phase. He foundered in this darkness, and eventually sought to escape it- by ending his life.

My 15 year old son was there when he did this. . .and saw the attempts, frantic and futile, to save this young man, who, by some accounts was able to speak after the fact. . .and the memory of this tragic death will be with him for years to come, but he is alive, and while the painful and horrific events of our life do leave their mark, they can also serve as benchmarks, reminders, of how far we, as human beings have come in our life journey.

Jacob- I mourn your loss- and cannot thank you enough for all the help you offered in your job to my son, Precious, when he needed just the right DVD title, or tried to mess with the settings of the electronics in your department. You were a sweet patient understanding young man, with a lot of things going for you and many people in your corner. I am so sorry for those close to you, who feel your loss so very much- our trips to the store you worked at will never be the same.

Rest In Peace, Jacob

June 10, 1991-May 1, 2009